Star Trek:  Celestial:  Season 3
by Swordtail
Summary: The adventures of the most incompetent crew in the history of Starfleet continue.  Read Season 1 and 2 if you haven't already.  If you have, please read and review if you want to.
1. Celestial 41

_Oh boy, here we go again...so anyway, I've noticed that viewership seems to quickly drop off after Episode 1 (yay for a stats thing!) and in fact only about 7 people have actually season 2 (probably a lot less). But that's ok. Because the fewer people that read this crap, the lesser the chance the admins will find it and ban me for breaking half their rules. Plus, I do know why no one on this site reads these. I heard it on the radio...there's no slash :D_

_If by some stroke of fate someone stumbles upon these and happens to like them, feel free to read them all at "freewebs dot com slash usscelestial" (fanfiction doesn't let you put in anything that even remotely looks like a link)._

_Enjoy, or don't...up to you._

* * *

Star Trek: Celestial #41 - Aftermath, During Biology

By Swordtail

Started August 8, 2007

Finished August 13, 2007

Scene 1 - Captain Righteous Lee is sitting at his desk onboard the still-being-rebuilt USS Celestial, turning a PADD around in his hands trying to read it. A sleeping Admiral Spot is curled up on the carpet in front of him.

Righteous - The crew of Solaris sure were busy this past month.

Admiral Spot wakes up.

Spot - You're finally done reading that mission report?

Righteous - Yep, and I have just one question: They DID cure Chester of that disease he was infected with before you put him in cryogenic storage, right?

Spot rolls her eyes.

Spot (sarcastically) - No Lee, they dangled the cure over his head, forcing him to finally surrender after his ship was destroyed, and then threw him into the deep freezer without curing him.

Pause...

Spot - I have to go.

Admiral spot trots out of the room and Righteous, with nothing better to do, follows her out onto the bridge, where the bridge staff are already present.

Righteous (waving the PADD around) - Hey guys! Have you read this yet?

Baque - Everyone on the ship read that before you did, moron.

Righteous - Yeah, so why weren't WE sent to capture Chester? We did it the first time.

Senseless - Sir, our ship was in four broken pieces.

Righteous - Five if you include the piece I broke!

Tener walks onto the bridge.

Tener - You wanted to see me, Commander?

Senseless - Yeah, I need you to accompany Doctor Puker to Io. Apparently there's been an outbreak of some disease at the Maximum Security Prison there.

Tener - ...Isn't that really close to Jupiter Station?

Senseless - Yeah, so?

Tener - ...Didn't Admiral Nelix relocate there after they released him from hospital here on the spacedock?

Senseless - Don't worry he'll leave you alone.

Tener - He'd better, that guy freaks me out...did you know he didn't tell me anything that time when we were sucked into some kind of temporal paradox alternate reality quantum parallel universe thing that resulted us in being thrown into a situation that very closely resembled the Wizard of Ox?

Center - Oz, sir.

Tener - Shut up, no one likes you, not even the author.

Scene 2 - On some random, backwater, primitive planet in the middle of some random, backwater, and pointlessly coloured area of space, some humanoids living at the pre-industrial level are just going about their business. One, on a horse like thing, is riding away from a town when a boy yells at him from the town.

Boy - SHANE!! COME BACK SHANE!!!

Shane (rubbing his forehead) - That's it, I'm going to shoot the annoying bastard.

As the cowboy-like alien turns his horse-like thing around, a massive shadow blocks out the sun. Everyone looks up to see a large black square with a green light in the middle of it. The camera goes out into space and spies a Borg-ish pyramid with the bottom part pointing toward the planet. The green part on the bottom flashes and a beam of energy flies out of it and hits the planet. On said planet, everyone instantly collapses onto the ground, only to turn into Borg-ish drones and stand back up. One of them assimilates the cameraman and the scene cuts.

Opening credit...s.

Scene 3 - A shuttlecraft approaches the flaming Jovian moon Io. Onboard, Puker and Tener are spinning around in their chairs.

Tener - I'd like to find whomever decided it was impolite to go to warp inside a solar system and kick them in the crotch. It's taken us nearly two hours and forty minutes to get here at impulse!

Puker - Now the interference prevents beam outs so we'll have to land the shuttle. Take us into the atmosphere.

The small shuttle descends through the practically non-existent atmosphere and approaches a mountain range. Suddenly, there is an explosion to starboard, then one to port.

Tener - They're shooting at us! Hail them!

Some Guy (comm) - Unidentified vessel, present the proper clearance codes or you will be fired upon!

Tener (to Puker) - Starfleet Medical didn't mention anything about clearance codes!!!

Puker (talking into comm) - Crimea Mons Penal Institute, this is the Shuttlecraft Blasphemy, of the USS Celestial. We're here on the authorization of Starfleet Medical!

Boom, shuttle rocks, sparks.

Some Moron - Improper clearance code, prepare to be shot down.

Tener - What the hell!!?

KA-BOOM! The shuttle is hit hard on the port side and is thrown around. It comes down hard on Crimea Mons (it's a real place on Io, look it up!) (I recommend Celestia...)

Scene 4 - In Fleet Admiral Spot's office on the Earth Spacedock, Righteous, Senseless, and Captains Farfetched, and Castanea are seated around a table. Spot prances up onto the table and turns off the lights.

Spot - What you're about to see is classified for people of Sigma 9 Clearance and above, and is to be shown to people on a need to know basis, as per my orders as Chief of Defence Staff, on direct authority of this week's President of the United Federation of Planets.

Spot hits a button and a some sort of movie trailer for a movie entitled "Cats on a Plane" starts playing for a second until she sees what's happening and turns it off.

Spot - Oops, wrong clip...you guys weren't supposed to see that.

Spot hits some more buttons and a pyramid shaped Borg-like space ship appears onscreen.

Righteous - Oh cool they started using different shapes!

Spot rolls her eyes and fast forwards to the part where the ship fires a beam of energy at the planet it was orbiting. Spot pauses the video.

Spot - The ship then proceeded to have the natives build a large stone pyramid for it to land on. It's still there as far as we know.

Farfetched - So that happened? Was that some kind of weapon?

Spot - All we know is that one minute the civilization on that planet was still lynching bandits, and the next their building orbital weapons platforms, constructing pyramids in a matter of hours, etcetera, etcetera.

Senseless - I hate to say this, but that doesn't seem like Borg design. They don't assimilate that fast. Not an entire planet.

Spot - They're not Borg, not entirely. We've detected no outgoing subspace transmissions that would indicate they're connected to the collective. Plus, we've detected no lifesigns coming from the planet, which is odd because.

Senseless - Oh, no...

Spot - I see you've come to the same conclusion we have.

Righteous - Someone fill me in?

Senseless - Captain, do you remember the radioactive mutant zombie Borg no-names from the bottom of deck 20?

Righteous - Oh, right...and?

Senseless - Well they survived the explosion of that Omega particle we detonated.

Righteous - Oh perfect.

Spot - Starfleet has known for some time that there was always the possibility that the nano-viroids survived. They wouldn't have been able to use warp drive, but they might have developed another form of transportation. Anyway, with that ship of theirs they could assimilate or infect or whatever you want to call it, well, anything. We have to stop them. Again.

She shoots a menacing glare at Righteous.

Righteous - Oh now this isn't MY fault!

Spot - It feels better to blame you.

Righteous - Fine. The Prophets like me, that's all that counts.

Castanea - Making someone go around the galaxy throwing themselves into dangerous and often stressful situations and then finally having them nearly kill themselves to win a pointless war doesn't necessarily mean you like the person.

Senseless - So what's the plan, ma'am?

Spot - That planet doesn't have the raw materials necessary to construct one of those pyramid ships...as far as we know. Your three ships are going to go in and destroy that ship at all costs.

Righteous - No problem, Admiral. It will never know what hit it.

Farfetched (pointing his thumb at Righteous) - If we leave this jackass in charge of the mission, they certainly never will.

Righteous - Thank you, captain!

Spot - Righteous...you're an idiot. And not in a good way at all.

Righteous - I try, ma'am.

Spot - Dismissed.

Everyone gets up and starts to leave the room.

Spot - Oh, one more thing...for the sake of the entire galaxy, don't screw this up, okay?

Spot then pulls her neck back and stares off into the distance.

Spot - What the hell am I saying? We're all going to DIE!!! AHHHH!!!

Senseless quickly pulls a small squishy ball out of his pocket and tosses it across the table.

Spot - CAT TOY!!!

The Chief of Defence Staff bounds after the ball while the rest of the officers make a quick exit.

Scene 5 - On Crimea Mons, on Io, orbiting Jupiter, orbiting Sol, orbiting the super-massive black hole in the centre of the Milky Way, on a collision course with the Andromeda Galaxy, Tener and Puker wake up wearing orange jumpsuits instead of Starfleet uniforms. The shuttle is nowhere to be seen and they're inside a cave network of some sort. Other people wearing orange jumpsuits are milling around. A big poster on the wall says "Remember, you're stuck here forever!"

Tener - Oh perfect, someone stole the shuttle and our uniforms.

Puker - Funny how these fit us so well.

They walk up to one of the guards.

Tener - Excuse me, but could you direct us to the medical center?

Guard - Why, are you dead?

Puker - No, we were sent here by Starfleet Medical to treat an infection that's broken out here. Our shuttle got shot down and someone stole our uniforms.

The guard looks around for a second.

Guard - I don't see any shuttle.

Tener - Well obviously whoever stole our uniforms also took the shuttle.

Guard - Nice story, but I'm not as dumb as the last guy they stationed here. Go away.

Tener and Puker, frustrated, decide to go find someone smarter to talk to. They walk down a passageway and enter a large cavern. Before them are thousands of inmates, most of whom look like they're about to die. Puker runs over and checks a few of them.

Puker - Well, I'd say we found our disease.

Tener - What is it? Is it contagious?

Puker - Odd...judging by the symptoms, it's a simple case of influenza...

Tener - The common cold? Didn't we wipe that out centuries ago?

Puker - Yeah, vaccines, the extinction of mosquitos, and anti-viral drugs have made it practically non-existent.

Tener - But you're e sure that's what these...people are suffering from?

Puker - Well I can't be sure.

One of the inmates gets a case of projectile vomiting.

Puker - OK, now I'm sure.

Tener - What about us?

Puker - Our vaccines should last for a few months, plus our immune systems are probably in better shape. It doesn't look like these people have been eating well.

Tener - The conditions in this prison are deplorable. Now, only one question remains...

Puker - What's that?

Tener - Is this a cheap shot at Guantanamo Bay, or the Canadian prison system?

Puker - Hard to tell. Aren't they essentially the same?

Scene 6 - The USS Celestial, now all spiffy and fixed, sits inside the Spacedock. On the bridge, Senseless, Righteous, Baque, Bios, Garell, Center, and Baque are at their stations.

Righteous - We good to go now?

Center - Ops has cleared us for departure sir, so yes.

Righteous - Helm boy, take us out, one quarter impulse.

The ship moves slowly through the space doors as it exits the–

_**SCRAPE!!!**_

Senseless groans. Center's console beeps.

Center - Uh...

Admiral Spot appears on the screen, and she doesn't look very happy.

Spot - Lieutenant-Commander Baque, can I ask you a question? How is it that the USS Saratoga, which is something like 460 metres wide, can make it out the doors without so much as bumping into them, but your ship, which is only 300 metres wide, can't make it out without ripping the paint all to hell?

Baque - Look, it's hard to see to port and starboard, OK?

Spot - Just go join the Saratoga and the Citadel...Spot out!

The Celestial joins the other two ships and all three jump to warp.

Scene 7 - The three Ninth Fleet ships drop out of warp and approach a small moon, orbiting a gas giant. Inside a large bunker of some sort, Genocide, Senseless, and a bunch of no-name security guards beam down. Some guy comes up to meet them.

Some Other Guy - Are you the ones who wanted all those weapons?

Senseless - Here's the requisition form from Fleet Admiral Spot herself.

He passes the guy a PADD. He reads it, then passes it back.

Some Other Guy - Sheesh, you must be planning on starting a war, are you?

Senseless - That's classified. Genocide, get to work.

Genocide - ALRIGHT YOU MANGY EXCUSES FOR HUMANOIDS! START LOADING IT UP!

The no-names start setting up transporter enhancers around large crates and stuff begins to be beamed away. Some of the no-names accidentally drop a photon grenade, which of course goes off. The quartermaster guy starts to shake his head.

Quartermaster - You aren't exactly Red Squad, are you?

Genocide - We're not Starfleet's best and brightest, we're the other guys!

Later, onboard the Saratoga, in one of its cargo bays, a bunch of cadets are standing in formation as Genocide and Lieutenant-Commander Garsh of the Saratoga inspect them.

Genocide - Um, who are these guys?

Cadet - We're RED SQUAD!!!!

All the cadets start chanting.

Red Squad - RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD–

Garsh - ALRIGHT!! WE KNOW!

The Andorian turns back to Genocide.

Garsh - Captain Farfetched requested them. They're all in the security department, and they all saw lots of action during the Breen war-

Some of the cadets try to stifle snickers.

Garsh - --and they're all nameless so we can use them as cannon fodder.

The snickers quickly stop.

Genocide - Alright nuggets, listen up. We're going into a highly hostile environment. Anything that is not us is the enemy. If something pierces your skin, you're the enemy. If you're killed, you're the enemy. Phasers will be set on full power at all times. Shoot to kill. Our chances of all getting out alive are slim to none. If we mess this up, the entire galaxy will be converted into mindless, undead, cybernetic zomborgs.

Garsh - Zomborgs?

Genocide - Yeah, what's wrong with it?

Garsh - Nothing, I just didn't know we were calling them anything except radioactive mutant zombie Borg no-names from the bottom of the Celestial's deck 20.

Genocide - Zomborgs work. Now, cadets, knowing that you're all marching into certain death, who still wants to go?

Red Squad - RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD!

Genocide - Starfleet Academy did a good job brainwashing them, didn't they?

Garsh - Sure did...Ooh, wanna play a joke on them? Let's set their phasers to overload as soon as they try to fire them and-

Genocide shoots him a menacing glare.

Garsh - Or we could not do that.

Scene 8 - On Io, the moon is in total darkness. To the East of Crimea Mons, Jupiter blocks out the sun. Only the glow of the various prison barracks lights up the near-molten landscape. And I'm not kidding, if you don't believe me that Jupiter will block out the sun around Io in September of 2382, download Celestia and see for yourselves...(look, it's a good program, OK? It's not like I'm trying to sell it or anything.) Anyway, Puker and Tener are running around trying to find someone who will believe them, but all the guards are suffering from lack of oxygen or something.

Tener (talking to one of the guards) - I'm Lieutenant James Tener, of the Federation starship USS Celestial, NCC-80164. It's the one that looks like a mix between a Sovereign class and a stealth bomber! My security code is Alpha one one Sigma Pie four Gamma! LOOK IT UP!

Guard - Move along sir!

Puker - Forget it, Lieutenant, don't waste your breath. What little there is of it. I have a better idea.

Tener - Oh?

Puker - At your last physical I implanted a subdermal transponder under your skin.

Tener - HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS!!!???!!!

Puker - Well I was getting around to telling you. Anyway, if I activate it, it will transmit a Starfleet distress signal on all subspace frequencies. Jupiter Station should be able to pick it up.

Tener - Is it too late to give up and just live the rest of our lives here?

We interrupt this episode to bring you the rest of this episode. We're sorry for any inconvenience this causes.

Scene 9 - The three Federation starships approach the infected planet, which no longer looks like a M-class world. On the Celestial's bridge...

Righteous - Are planets supposed to be pitch black?

Bios - The planet's crust is made entirely of the nano-viroids...

Senseless - How could they have replicated so fast?

Baque - I thought I saw this in a TV show once...was it, Stargate..?

Genocide - Oh, and here we thought we were going to have to destroy only one ship...Admiral Spot wants us dead.

Center - That pyramid ship is heading straight for us.

Righteous - Smite them!

Camera watches as all three ships, which are arranged in a triangle with their bottoms toward each other, move towards the planet and apparently the ship that's coming at them. The camera splits into three screens, each showing a different ship's captain.

Farfetched, Righteous, Castanea - Helm, attack pattern Alpha!

As expected, each ship moves in the same way, by moving up then down, resulting in the three ships colliding and bouncing off each other's shields. On the bouncing bridge of the Celestial...

Senseless - This must be why Admiral Spot doesn't let us fight in groups that often.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - The zomborg ship has opened fire. Standard borg weaponry...in other words, we're screwed.

Boom, ship rocks again, more sparks.

Senseless - Target it's warp reactor and fire all weapons!

As the Celestial opens fire, the zomborg ship simply manoeuver itself so it's base is toward the Saratoga.

Baque - What's it doing?

Bios - High intensity energy buildup in the device in the centre of it's base...I think it's some sort of particle fountain type weapon!

Righteous - That sounds really bad.

Senseless - Ensign, hail the Saratoga, tell them to get out of the way!

Too late. The ship fires its assimilation beam and hits the Saratoga's stardrive section. The hull of the stardrive begins to turn black. On the Saratoga's bridge...

Farfetched - Damage report!

Lieutenant Scratcher - DAMAGE REPORT, SIR! NO RESPONSE FROM ENGINEERING SYSTEMS, SIR! OUR SECONDARY HULL SEEMS TO BE DISSEMBLING ITSELF, SIR!

Commander Shelby - They're trying to assimilate us!

Farfetched - Eject the saucer section!

Shelby - What about all those people who might still be alive down there?

Farfetched - Do you not learn, jackass? Those people are no-names! They probably all died as soon as we left spacedock!

Shelby - Point taken.

The Saratoga's saucer section separates and then promptly fires a torpedo at the assimilated stardrive section, destroying it in an antimatter explosion. Over on the Citadel...

Castanea - Wow...sucks to be them.

Over on the Celestial...

Righteous - Wow...sucks to be them.

Center - So much for Red Squad.

Genocide - Toc, can you put us right beneath them?

Baque - You mean in line with that assimilation beam? No thank you.

Genocide - I have a plan.

Senseless - I don't like where this is going, because the last time it didn't work...but what the heck, we've got nothing to lose.

Bios - Just our lives, the galaxy, possibly the entire universe...

Baque - Well fine...

The Celestial moves under the pyramid ship, which is still shooting standard weaponry out of its butt.

Bios - Uh...they're charging that weapon again...

Genocide - Not for long...

The Celestial fires four quantum torpedoes in rapid succession out of it's aft launcher and they impact the green lighty thing on the bottom of the pyramid ship...and, just like in Independence Day, the whole thing goes up like the 4th of July.

Righteous - Yay! I like explosions!

Genocide - Hey captain? If you go stand in Cargo Bay 3, I can show you another really big explosion!

Righteous - Nah, I only like them when they don't incinerate me.

Genocide (looking at his console) - Since when did he get smart?

Bios - Hey guys, the planet is–

BOOM! The planet fires a massive energy pulse at the three ships. It grazes the side of the Citadel and vapourizes a third of the ship right down the side, taking out a nacelle and a bunch of the saucer section. On the Citadel's bridge.

Castanea - _SON OF A BITCH!_

On the Saratoga's bridge...

Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher - _**SON OF A BITCH!**_

On the Celestial's bridge...

Senseless, Baque, Genocide, Bios, Righteous, Center - _**SON OF A BITCH!!!!**_

Scene 10 - On Jupiter Station, Admiral Nelix is filling out reports when a nameless Admiral wearing a blue uniform walks in.

NoName Admiral #1 - Sir, the medical team we sent to the maximum security prison on Io hasn't reported in as scheduled. I think something went wrong.

Nelix - Who did you send?

NoName Admiral #1 - Doctor Vaughn Puker and Lieutenant James Tener of the USS Celestial.

Nelix - Well there's your first mistake.

NoName Admiral #1 - And we've also picked up a Starfleet distress signal coming from Crimea Mons.

Nelix (rolling his eyes) - As I said, your first mistake was to send-

NoName Admiral #1 - My medical authority outranks you, so I order you to go get them. NOW!

Nelix - FINE!

NoName Admiral #1 leaves the room. Nelix turns on his monitor and calls up the warden.

Warden - This is the office of the warden of the Crimea Mons permanent rehabilitation centre. How can I help you?

Nelix - Yeah, do you have two humans who are about yay tall and with limited IQ's?

Warden - That describes a good five hundred inmates.

Nelix - They'll be the ones claiming to be from the USS Celestial.

Warden - Yeah, that describes about five hundred inmates...Look, I'm really busy, if you want to schedule a visit, screw off, we don't allow them. Good bye..

Nelix - Do you have any idea who I am?

Warden - A...cat?

Nelix - DO YOU!?!

Warden - ...A cat in Starfleet?

Nelix - I'm Vice Admiral Nelix, the commander of the entire Ninth Fleet. I've got a dozen ridiculously powerful starships pressed under my paw. In the blink of an eye I could have them level your entire prison and most of them wouldn't even think twice about it. Now, unless you want me to have the USS Solaris pay you a visit, you'll arrange for me to personally inspect every human inmate you have, and all your sensor logs, and all your official logs...and I want a bowl of butterscotch ice cream waiting for me when I get there.

Warden - Uh...uh...yes sir!

Beep! The channel cuts. Admiral Nelix sits back in his chair.

Nelix - Wow...I can't believe he fell for that...anyone with a life knows the Ninth Fleet couldn't hit the broad side of Jupiter.

Scene 11 - The saucer section of the USS Saratoga, what's left of the Citadel, and the still intact USS Celestial are hiding behind a gas giant.

Righteous - Wow, for once we're not the ones getting the crap kicked out of us.

Scene is in the briefing room of the Celestial. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Garell, Blavik, Bios, Farfetched, Shelby, and Castanea are shoved into the room.

Castanea - SON OF A BITCH!

Farfetched - SON OF A BITCH!

Righteous - WHY IS EVERYONE STILL SAYING THAT!?!?!

Castanea - A THIRD OF MY SHIP WAS VAPOURIZED BY THAT PLANET!!!

Genocide - That's one mother fricking big weapon! I want!

Senseless - Let's recap the facts people: These things have the adaptability of the Borg, and the un-kill-ability of the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from that planet near Cardassia. Both are our fault, and both were accidental, so no placing blame.

Shelby - It _would_ make me feel better though.

Senseless - They're invulnerable to phaser blasts, projectile weapons, explosions, and even warp core blue wavy energy things that are supposed to kill anything with any electricity going through it. And, to top it all off, they have a form of transportation that doesn't use subspace, making them impervious to Omega Particle explosions.

Shelby - What?

Righteous - Why don't we ask the Prophets for help?

Baque - Because that would involve asking the Prophets for help, something I've made my goal in life to avoid.

Farfetched - Can't you make a retrovirus that will destroy these things like you did with the last batch of undead monsters?

Blavik - Doctor Puker seems to have a knack for disappearing whenever these zomborg entities show up. He's the only one who might be able to stop them biologically.

Shelby - Speaking of people missing, where's your security chief?

Genocide - You mean Tener? He's gone too. Probably for the best. If he were here right now he'd probably be screaming-

Scene 12 - Crimea Mons, Io.

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE BORG NO-NAMES FROM THE BOTTOM OF DECK 20!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Puker - What the hell was that all about?

Tener - I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to say at a time like this.

Guard - Alright, all human inmates, come with me.

Only a few humans are able to stand up and follow the guard, the rest have either already died or are close to death due to malnutrition or dehydration. Remember, diarrhea is the number two cause of death among children in developing countries!

Tener - What do you suppose this is about?

Puker - Knowing our luck, we've probably been chosen to be executed.

Tener - Lucky for us the Federation doesn't have capital punishment.

Puker - Yeah, and also lucky for us that the Federation doesn't believe in putting its criminals in crappy, unlivable conditions.

Tener - Good point.

Guard - Form up, morons!

All the inmates stand in lines. Admiral Nelix walks in with some guards and starts looking up at the people standing all nicely and neatly in lines. Tener and Puker see him.

Tener, Puker - ADMIRAL! OVER HERE!

Guard - SHUT UP!

SMACK! SMACK! The guard hits both of them with a lead pipe.

Tener - OW!

Nelix - Oh, there you guys are.

Tener - About time someone showed up. We've been piss bored in here.

Nelix - What happened?

Puker - They shot down our shuttle, then someone traded clothes with us and stole it.

Nelix - Shot you down? Did you follow the flight plan you were sent?

Tener - Uh...flight plan?

Nelix jumps up, grabs the guard's lead pipe, and hits Tener in the shins with it.

Tener - OW! Damn it, sir, what was that for!

Nelix - For being an idiot.

Tener - Oh...ok.

Nelix - Alright, you two come with me.

Puker - Wait, we have to do something about the conditions in this prison!

Nelix - What conditions?

Tener - He's been complaining about the lack of proper dinking water, the lack of food, the lack of carpets, the lack of a heated pool, and the lack of proper medical facilities.

Nelix - Since when do you care about people, doctor?

Puker - Because if I didn't, this episode would have no plot, and I hate it when that happens.

Nelix - I think you're a little too late for that, especially considering who your colleagues were sent to fight...

Puker - Come on, sir, we have to save face here.

Nelix - Oh all right...I'll see to it that medical supplies and additional food replicators are sent down here right away.

Puker - Not good enough, sir.

Nelix (rolling his eyes) - Fine...and I'll have a carpet installed as well...and a Playstation...happy now?

Puker - Quite.

Nelix - Now, let's go, I don't like it here...too many homicidal maniacs who haven't eaten in a long time.

As they leave, Tener wonders out loud:

Tener - I wonder where our shuttle went?

Scene 13 - On Europa, in the Federation's Cryogenic Storage Facility, in the Cilix crater, Fleet Admiral Spot, and Lieutenant Sa'lol from the USS Solaris, who is holding a hypospray, stand in the foyer looking at all the dead bodies lying around.

Spot - Why is everyone dead?

Sa'lol - Oh you have GOT to be fucking kidding me! Someone broke that fucking cat out!

Spot - Well the joke's on Chester because WE didn't get around to curing him yet! Ha ha!

Sa'lol - True, but the freezing process will have slowed down the disease. He might live quite a while now.

Spot - How long are we talking?

Sa'lol - Several months, six at the most.

Spot - Still, joke's on him.

Scene 14 - The Celestial, Saratoga's saucer section, and the remaining two thirds of the Citadel make their way toward the planet again.

Righteous - Captain's Log, stardate 59730.1...wait a minute, Commander? Why did the computer give me a stardate so low?

Senseless - Because the author, out of the blue, decided to mess around with continuity and change the stardate system he had been using...

Righteous - So...now it makes even _less_ sense than it did before?

Senseless - You betcha.

Righteous - OK, I can live with that. Anyway, we came up with a plan to totally destroy the zomborgs. It's kind of funny really, we were watching an episode of Stargate SG-1 and they were trying to kill these things called the Replicators which had been frozen in time on this planet and the Asgard did this thing that caused the sun to-

Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial, where all senior staff are present, except Puker and Tener for obvious reasons.

Baque - Would someone shut him up before he jinxes the entire plan?

Righteous - Fine! Wait, what WAS the plan, anyway?

Senslesss - No time. Celestial to Saratoga and Citadel, let's go.

Camera goes to the Celestial's battlebridge, which is being manned by Farfetched, Shelby, and their senior staff. Just to make things clear, camera goes to a random corridor, which is packed full of people. Camera then goes to the empty decks of the Saratoga's saucer section. Camera goes into space, where the three ships, lined up with the Saratoga in front, and the Celestial in back, move toward the planet. Suddenly, the Saratoga's saucer section flips 90 degrees and continues to move in the same direction, resulting in it lying vertically, with the top facing outward, between the other two ships and the planet. Camera goes to the Citadel's bridge.

Castanea - Engineering, begin full energy transfer.

Camera goes to the Excelsior Class ship's engineering room, where the warp core is going like a bat out of hell. Out in space, every light on the Citadel goes out, except the main deflector, which fires a beam of energy at the bottom of the Galaxy Class saucer section in front of it. Then, the planet fires its weapon at the line of ships, but it is stopped by the now super-charged shields of the USS Saratoga. Camera goes to the Celestial's battlebridge.

Farfetched - I'm starting to not like this plan.

Scratcher - RADIATION LEVELS ON THE SARATOGA HAVE INCREASED TO LETHAL LEVELS, SIR! SHIELDS ARE HOLDING, SIR!

Camera goes to the exploding bridge of the Citadel.

Castanea - Citadel to Celestial, we're getting a little feedback here!

Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Senseless - Understood, Citadel, hang in there.

He turns to Genocide.

Senseless - Commander, arm eight tricobalt torpedos. Maximum yield.

Bios - It's going to be a sunny day on Zomborg Prime...

Righteous - Ooh, I know! This is the part where we do...something...

Senseless - Helm?

Baque - Just a few more kilometres.

Center - We're slowing down! The planet's energy beam is robbing us of some of our momentum.

Bios - I don't think we'll be able to get any closer, the Saratoga's shields are failing.

Baque - It'll have to do. Fire as soon as we are clear. Executing, now!

Nothing happens.

Baque - Oops, wrong button, heh, NOW!

In space, the Celestial fires its ventral thrusters and moves slightly above the Saratoga's shields.

Genocide - Show time.

Whee whee!

The Celestial fires eight glowing white torpedoes in rapid succession, each heading for the planet. The ship ducks back down behind the protection of the Saratoga. Down on said planet, the torpedoes impact with the facility that's generating the energy beam. It explodes. Big time. On the Celestial...

Senseless - HELM! GET US ALL OUT OF HERE!!!

In space, the energy weapon stops firing. The Citadel cuts it's energy transfer beam and lights back up. It and the Celestial lock tractor beams on the charred black Saratoga saucer and pull it away from the planet. They high tail it in the opposite direction as fast as their little impulse engines will take them. Behind them, the explosion has ripped open a subspace fissure. The entire blackened planet is torn apart and sucked into it. Once gone, the fissure collapses into a black hole, sucking in anything that escaped the initial implosion. OK, I know that's kind of implausible, and I'm sure plenty of people would be able to point out a plot hole here, but no matter, it was a really cool explosion. That's all that matters. Meanwhile, on the Celestial...

Genocide - That was fun.

Senseless - Start organizing damage repair teams and send them over to the Saratoga as soon as it cools down. I'm eager to let Farfetched's crew get back to their own ship...they smell funny.

Admiral Spot appears onscreen.

Spot - Castanea and Farfetched just sent me their reports on the situation...one of these days I'm going to learn not to send you to clean up your own messes...

Scene 15 - Jupiter Station. Nelix, Tener, and Puker are being interviewed by a group of Federation journalists, including Jake Sisko.

Jake - Woo hoo, cameo appearance!

Tener - What?

Jake - Sorry. Is the camera on?

Cameraman #1 - Yeah, on enough.

Jake - I'm here with Lieutenant James Tener, Doctor Vaughn Puker, and Vice Admiral Nelix. They're the guys responsible for uncovering the deplorable conditions in the Crimea Mons Maximum Security Prison. It's being fixed. Back to you.

Cameraman #1 - And we're off.

Jake - Alright people, let's move! We've got a five second interview with the man who claims he has a foolproof way to prevent assimilation, and we're three seconds late already. Bye!

The news crew are transported away.

Puker - Well, all's well that ends well. Sure we got shot down and were mistaken for prisoners in a filthy prison complex, but we managed to rectify the situation by exposing the conditions to the rest of the Federation, and managed to make ourselves look like hero's. A day well spent.

A beep happens on Admiral Nelix's computer console. He glances over.

Nelix - Says here the Saratoga needs a new stardrive section and the Citadel needs to be practically rebuilt. Also something about a black hole ripping apart a starbase.

Puker - God damn it.

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC-80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	2. Celestial 42

Star Trek: Celestial #42 - Uninvited Guests

By Swordtail

Started August 15, 2007

Finished August 19, 2007

Scene 1 - Messhall, USS Celestial. Ensign Center is sitting with his head down alone at a table while everyone else has a grand old time eating and drinking. Lieutenant Bios walks in and goes up to the relicator.

Bios - Kool-Aid, blue.

Bzzzzzzzzzt! She takes the near-toxic drink and goes to sit at the same table as Center.

Bios - Good morning.

Center - My life sucks.

Bios (grimacing) - Well...No, it...doesn't..._completely_...suck...

Center - I've kissed that dumb moron's ass for the last two years and what has it gotten me? A mediocre job and massive unpopularity. AND NO PROMOTION!

Bios - Could be worse. At least you still have your health.

Center - So does every other person on the ship.

Bios - Not true, I saw Crewman Marsh drop dead of a heart attack this morning. Rumour has it he was poisoned. I think he ate the lasagna even though the doctor clearly prohibited it.

Center - The lasagna was inedible?

Bios - No, Doctor Puker just wanted it all to himself.

Scene 2 - Space. The Celestial flies past and drops out of warp in a binary star system.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 59738.4...I'm never going to get used to that...I think Admiral Spot made us all start using it again just to spite us. Anyway, after months of messing around with weapons, we're finally getting back to exploring again. We're on our way to the Desi Proixma system because no one's been there before...Man, thousands of Federation starships kicking around and no one bothered to explore a solar system that's just on the edge of Andorian space? Someone isn't doing all their paperwork. End log.

Camera goes to the Celestial's briefing room, where Senseless, Genocide, Righteous, Blavik, Puker and the holographic form of Fleet Admiral Spot are talking.

Spot - I just want to state for the record that when the Enterprise was hit by Barclay's demetamorphesis syndrome, I did NOT turn into an iguana! I simply put the cat collar on an iguana so I could go find some more food for the kittens. Data was so stupid that I got away with it all the time, but I didn't count on Picard being with him. No, I turned into a sabre toothed tiger and ate some no-names. Not a lizard, that just doesn't even make sense. Why would a cat de-evolve into a reptile? Seriously!

Senseless - That's nice, ma'am, but what does that have to do with why you called us?

Spot - It doesn't. I'm just calling to tell you not to ef up this mission. It seems every time you go exploring you screw something up. Luckily, every other ship known to exist has the same problem so I'll let it slide...but I'm going to say it nonetheless. Spot out.

Spot disappears and Senseless turns to the others.

Senseless - Alrighty then...where is everyone else?

Baque and Garell enter.

Baque - ...I'm telling you I don't fly that badly.

Garell - All I'm saying is that it sure looks like unnecessary wear on the impulse manifolds...

Tener, Center, and Bios come in.

Tener - ...Put me down for "Wipes out a civilization." That wins most of the time.

Bios - Gotcha. Bob?

Center - I'll go for "make peaceful first contact and become friends with a superior race."

Baque - Oh you would.

Senseless - Everyone sit down, shut up, and listen.

Everyone sits down, shuts up, and listens.

Senseless - Long range scans have detected six gas planets, several with moons. We'll explore the second planet since it's at the right distance for life to exist on any of its moons.

Genocide - Are we expecting any combat this time?

Senseless - Oh experience has taught me to go in with phasers firing and shields to maximum, so yes.

Righteous - Ooh, ooh! Do you think we'll find another Prophet blessed nation with a big gun only I can use?

Senseless - We've been over this sir, the Prophets went on a vacation!

Blavik - I find it highly illogical that non-corporeal beings who live outside our spacetime continuum would need to go on vac-

Senseless gives her an odd look.

Blavik - Never mind...

Opening credits. Or not...or yes...or _MAYBE!!!_

Scene 3 - Sickbay. Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Blavik are operating on a no-name.

Puker - So, did you hear that Chester apparently escaped again?

Blavik - Yes, my sister informed me.

Puker - Sister? Who's your sister?

Blavik - Lieutenant Sa'lol of the USS Solaris.

Puker - Wait..._she's_ your sister?

Blavik - That's what I just told you.

Puker - How come you never said anything before now!?

Blavik - It's in my record, if you bothered to read it.

Puker - Bah, we don't have time those things.

Senseless (comm) - Bridge to Puker and Blavik, could you both come up here?

Puker - On our way.

The two officers leave the room, leaving a no-name lying on the biobed with his chest cut open. On the bridge, everyone is present as a very old looking ship floats before them.

Puker - Hey everyone, can you believe our nurse here has a sister and never told us?

Righteous - Since when do you have a sister, naive Vulcan underling?

Blavik (rolling eyes) - Since about a year and a half before I was born...didn't any of you read my Starfleet record?

Righteous - I was pressed for time when I hired you.

Senseless - You pulled them out of a surgery and on the spot offered them a position on your ship!

Center - Uh, guys?

Genocide - Not now, they're arguing. I love it when they argue. It means we don't have to do work.

Center - There's a power signature on that ship.

Everyone turns toward him.

Senseless - You just finished telling us it has been derelict for over ten millennia.

Center - The energy signature just appeared.

Senseless - Well we'd better go explore. This could be a huge finding. A power system that works even after ten thousand years? Might be worth a pat on the back. Tener, I want you-

Tener - WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!!?

Senseless - You're the chief of security!

Tener - I DIDN'T WANT TO BE!

Senseless - Your other option was eventual death.

Tener - Alright I'll go...but I'm not going alone.

Senseless - Bios, Garell, let's go.

Righteous - Can I go?

Senseless - Sir, Starfleet regulations prevent you from going on away missions. You'll just mess something up. Read it if you want to.

Righteous - I will! Girl who breaks stuff a lot, find me the-

Bios tosses him a PADD she'd been keeping for months, ever since the last time he asked for the rulebook.

Bios - Have fun. Bye!

He starts reading the PADD.

Righteous - ... "Captain Righteous Lee is prohibited from going on away missions since he will undoubtably screw something up...signed by Fleet Admiral Spot..." Prophets damn it, I never get to have any fun!

Senseless pulls a squishy yellow ball out of his pocket and tosses it across the bridge.

Righteous - CAT TOY!!!

He leaps after it and starts kicking it around the room while Senseless, Tener, Garell, and Bios leave.

Scene 4 - On a dark and dreary generic alien ship, the four officers, wearing environmental suits, materialize and start to float around.

Senseless - Mag-boots, everyone.

Everyone presses a button on their wrists and their magnet boots engage, causing Bios to stick to the ceiling, Senseless to stick to the Floor, and Garell and Tener to stick to opposite walls.

Senseless - Alright, we need to work on that.

They all move to stand on the floor and walk down the corridor, through clouds of floating debris.

Garell - Most of this stuff is debris from the ship's plasma conduits...looks like a widespread EPS overload.

Bios - That's assuming they had an EPS system.

Tener - You two techno-dweebs want to speak something that the universal translators will be able to understand?

Garell - What did you just call me?

Bios - Something made the ship go boom on the inside.

Senseless - Any idea what kind of ship it was?

Bios - Probably just one from some long dead civilization.

They enter a control centre of some sort. Bios goes over and attaches a portable power cell to one of the consoles. It lights up.

Bios - Wow I didn't think that would work, for obvious compatibility reasons.

Senseless - So, can you access the data banks?

Bios - Yeah...hang on...OK I'm in...wow this is a mess.

Senseless - What?

Bios - Even the interface is all messed up. It looks like the entire database has been converted to nonsense.

Tener - Oh perfect, so much for getting our answers the easy way.

Bios - Wait! I found a heavily encrypted file...wow it's big. Can't open it though.

Garell - Here, I'll help you set up a link to the Celestial's main computer.

Tener - I'm going to look around some more, this is boring.

Senseless - I'll go with you. You two have fun.

Bios - Oh we will.

Garell - Speak for yourself.

Senseless and Tener leave the room and wander around for a while. They stumble onto what must be the bridge. Skeletons litter the floor. A console is flashing.

Senseless - Well, there's our power signature.

Tener - Looks like a log entry.

Senseless - Here, I'll put an audio interpreter on the speaker over here. Ok, now play it.

Tener presses a button and the log entry starts playing. The audio interpreter detects the movements of the speaker and transmits a translation to the suit comm system. Remember there's no air...yeah, I was THINKING...for once.

Some Long Dead Guy - ...All systems are offline. Most of the crew is dead. Still unable to communicate with the entity. It infected our computer systems a few hours ago, after we set up a data transfer with a structure on the third moon of this planet.. No idea what it wants. It shut off life support an hour ago. Unable to call for help...reserve power is almost out...but there is some good news...I just saved a tonne of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico...(cough).

The log stops. Senseless and Tener look at each other.

Senseless, Tener - BIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They run down the corridor as fast as their magnetic boots will let them. They run into the room where Garell and Bios are merging the two ship's computers.

Senseless, Tener - STTOPPP!

Bios - What's with the yelling, you could have used the comm!

Garell (turning to look at her) - They were! You just were too busy messing around with the transfer.

Senseless - There's something in the computer, a lifeform of some kind. It killed the crew and disabled the ship. It we link the computers it might-

BOOM! The console explodes. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Genocide - What the fk?

The lights start flickering. Camera goes back to the away team.

Senseless - Away team to Celestial, beam us back at once!

NoName #1 (comm) - Can't sir, transporters are offline.

Senseless - Figures. Garell, where's the nearest outer hatch.

Garell - Oh, no fricking way. Not going to happen.

Senseless - Tener? I need an outer hatch.

Tener takes his phaser rifle and blows a hole in the hull. Out the hole, the USS Celestial, lights flickering, can be seen a few hundred metres away. Senseless grabs Garell by the wrist, turns off her magnet boots, and shoves her out the hole.

Garell - I'LL KILL YOU COMMANDER!!!

Bios, Tener, and Senseless jump out after her. They all slam into the Celestial's hull and turn their boots back on. Walking along the hull, the reach an airlock and crawl inside the ship. Once they have their helmets off, Garell takes her phaser and shoots Senseless, who barely even flinches

Garell - Damn it, I thought it was set to kill! Why is the standard procedure to put these things on the lowest setting?

Scene 5 - Bridge. The ship is at red alert, and all the lights and consoles are still flickering. Senseless, Bios, Garell, and Tener walk in. Everyone else is already present.

Righteous - What happened? One minute I was chasing a cat toy, and the next thing I know, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide over here is cursing up a storm.

Genocide - Some kind of virus got into our systems! It's wiping out or databanks and is taking over our main computer! Fk! Weapons are offline! Damn it!

Senseless - According to a log entry we found over there, the same thing wiped out that ship's entire crew.

Center - Well it's in our computers alright. Nothing I throw at it seems to work.

Bios - We have no choice, someone has to go in and flush it into an area where we can physically destroy it.

Senseless - That sounds a little risky, not to mention impossible.

Bios - Any minute now, that thing will get access to our life support systems and-

The life support systems deactivate.

Bios - Oh great. OK, now, any other minute, that thing will start blowing out EPS conduits, and a lot of people are going to die.

Genocide - So, they're just no-names. It's not like one of us is in any danger.

Bios - Uh, the bridge is ODN grand central station...the first thing it will attack is here.

Senseless - Fine, how do you intend to get in there?

Bios - Well, I'm the only one with a synaptic processor, so I'll just plug in and interface directly with the main computer.

Garell - You told me you broke that thing.

Bios - Well I fixed it.

Senseless - Fine, but you know what this means...

Bios - Yeah, you're going to send Genocide in with me.

Genocide - What? In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a synaptic processor. How do you intend for me to go into the computer with her?

Senseless turns to look at Blavik. Genocide follows his gaze, then drops his head.

Genocide - Ah fudgesicles.

Scene 6 - In one of the science labs, Bios sits in a chair with a bunch of wires stuck to her head. Genocide and Blavik stand just off to the side. Puker is scanning everyone with a medical tricorder.

Puker (to Blavik) - How many times have you preformed this "bridging of minds?"

Blavik - Never, but I once observed an episode of Star Trek: Voyager and I am fairly confident I can reproduce Tuvok's success.

Bios - Ready.

Genocide - Here goes nothing...so how is this supposed to work, anyway? I mean, how will we be able to interpret the data coming into our heads?

Puker - The subconscious mind is the most powerful computer known to exist. It can interpret the data into familiar patterns, more for plot purposes than for anything else. All you need to do is give it direction from your conscious mind and it will do the rest for you.

Genocide - Alright, so if I wanted a really big gun...?

Puker - I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Genocide - Sweeeeet.

Genocide takes a chair next to Bios, who plugs the other end of the wires sticking out of her head into the computer. Blavik puts a hand on each's forehead.

Blavik - Your minds to...ah screw it, just merge already.

Scene 7 - Genocide and Bios appear in the middle of a weird looking...place. Lights are flying around the wide corridor, which resembles the Celestial.

Genocide - Ah, this will be easier than I thought. I'm assuming we have to get to Main Engineering or somewhere?

Bios - No, we have to find the entity and see what we're up against.

Genocide - Sounds good...so, where do we go?

Bios - This way.

They start walking and turn into a room. It opens onto an unknown, very alien planet. The sand is yellow, the sky is green, and dozens of moons fill the sky, as does a massive gas planet.

Genocide - Great, knew this seemed too easy.

Bios - I can't be sure, but I think this might be the entity's home planet.

She picks up some of the sand.

Bios - This could be a form of iron silicate, which would be how the entity moves naturally through it's environment.

Genocide - So...where is it?

Bios - Uh...there! Come on!

She grabs his wrist and the two of them start flying through the air really fast. A massive structure rises over the horizon. It looks like a vertically elongated pyramid, with circuitry carved into it, which is showing the movement of algorithms and subroutines.

Genocide - What's that thing?

Bios - That, would be the CelestOS interpretation of the ship's main computer.

Genocide - Well...it's a little bigger than I expected.

The structure continues to rise as their close, now over a dozen kilometres tall. Suddenly, a massive explosion detonates on it's surface. Then another. As the two officers get closer, they see that a massive creature of some sort is attacking the main computer.

Genocide - Twenty bucks says that's the entity.

Suddenly, a plume of electricity flies out of the top of the structure and vapourizes the creature.

Genocide - Well, it WAS the entity.

More projectiles hit the computer and explode, and more bolts of cybernetic lightening fly out of its top. As they get even closer, they see millions of the creatures surrounding the main computer. Then, one of the creatures turns and sees the two officers flying through the air. It fires at them, barely missing them.

Bios - CRAP! Blavik, get us out of here!

Genocide vanishes and a second later Bios does as well.

Scene 8 - Bios and Genocide wake up in the science lab. Righteous, Senseless, Garell, Blavik and Puker are already present.

Senseless - So, how did it go? Did you find the entity?

Genocide - I think there's more than one entity. Looks like there's a whole civilization of them living inside our systems.

Puker - OK so Tener wins this one.

Bios - They're laying siege to the main computer core. It's weakening, and it won't last much longer.

Righteous - What do these things look like?

Senseless - Sir, it doesn't matter. It's just an abstract interpretation.

Righteous - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, I asked you a question.

Genocide - They look like the aliens from Starship Troopers, sir.

Righteous - I never saw that movie.

Genocide - I'm not surprised.

Suddenly, the ship rocks and the lights flicker.

Senseless - Senseless to bridge, what's going on?

Center (comm) - An EPS conduit exploded on deck 3. Casualty reports are coming in...five dead, seventeen injured. It blew in the messhall.

Garell - No! Not the messhall!

Genocide - What are you complaining about, the only things there are replicators and tables, which you can find practically everywhere else on the ship. There are replicators and tables in your quarters!

Garell - But you don't get the social atmosphere in my quarters.

Genocide - Invite people over!

Garell - I do, no one comes for some reason.

Genocide - What a mystery. Just go get that stupid trap set up, we're going to lure them into it.

Bios - We are? What about abandoning ship.

Righteous - Not my ship! We need to save it! It's important!

Puker - Don't worry everyone, I'm still working on a cure for stupidity.

Righteous - Just put your faith in the Prophets and we'll all be fine.

Bios mutters something in that really high pitched Bynar speech.

Senseless - What was that?

Bios - Oh, you probably don't want me to translate. Let's just get back into the computer.

Bios plugs herself back in and Blavik starts the mind-bridging routine on her and Genocide.

Righteous - What do you suppose that file you guys brought back said?

Garell - Who knows, its probably deleted now, along with half our database.

Righteous - I bet it's a recipe for the galaxy's best pumpkin pie!

Senseless - I'm not even going to point out the multitude of flaws in that hypothesis.

Righteous - All the better if you don't, I didn't understand half of what you said anyway.

Garell - What I'd like to know is how this day could get any worse: We're looking at a wide scale EPS explosion in less than forty minutes, total loss of breathable air in 30 minutes, we can't call for help, the escape pods probably don't work, and our only hope is Genocide's mindless homicidal rage and the person who breaks practically everything she touches. I suppose since we're at such a low, things can only get better, right?

Senseless - I can guarantee you that by the end of this day you'll eat your words.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Center's console starts beeping. Tener and Baque look over at him.

Center - Woah, a temporal anomaly just opened on deck 6. There's-

He stops talking in mid sentence. Tener goes over to see what the problem is. He looks at the console.

Tener (sigh) - Here we go again...

As they know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has appeared out of nowhere and is now sitting next to an EPS conduit. The hum of the plasma going through it increases in pitch. Binky, slightly dazed, looks over at the wall it is behind.

Binky - Urg?

BOOM!

Scene 10 - In cyber la-la land, Bios and Genocide are sneaking around a bunch of rocks, trying to avoid being seen by the two story tall black cyber creatures that are still trying to blow the main computer to pieces.

Genocide - So what do we do now?

Bios - If I could access the main computer, I might be able to erect a firewall around it. It would hold them off for a while and make them more likely to chase us. But I don't think I can get close without being seen and shot at.

Genocide - Would a distraction help?

Bios - Yeah, it would, but how do you intend to distract them?

Genocide - It just occurred to me that Gundum Wing isn't all that farfetched...

Bios - Oh...well have fun.

Bios slips away and Genocide goes out into the open behind the thousands of creatures.

Genocide - Hey! Butt wipes!

The creatures all turn to look at him.

Genocide - Say hello to my little friend!

Mustering up all the will power he has available, he makes a massive duranium exoskeleton form around him. Controlling it like those guys from The Matrix, he pulls out a big honking gun and points it at the creatures.

Genocide (in as deep a voice as he can manage) - You...are...terminated!

BOOM! Bios, running around the place trying to hide from the creatures, is nearly hit by a huge explosion which vapourizes a dozen of the creatures at once.

Bios - Science H. Logic! That guy doesn't kid around when he goes to distract!

Scene 11 - Deck 6. Tener, Center, and Baque run in carrying phasers, and see that the entire area has been blown to smithereens. Garell comes running in from another direction.

Garell - Woah...I sure hope no one important was in there.

Tener - Remember that targ?

Garell - Oh please...don't tell me he's back again.

Suddenly, a piece of rubble on the floor moves and Binky crawls out from under it. He sees the three officers with phasers pointed at him and makes a run for it.

Garell - What's the phasers for?

Baque - We couldn't be sure he wasn't the Borg version of Binky.

Garell - Well since you're here, you can help me with this plamsa conduit trap.

Baque - Oh great.

Tener - Beats sitting on the bridge waiting for it to explode and kill us.

Center - What do you need done, ma'am?

Garell - Ensign, I need you to get me an ODN to EPS data converter, there should be one in the storage cabinet in Lower Engineering, on deck 16. Lieutenant, I'll need a portable forcefield generator and an independent power supply. I don't remember where those are kept. Lieutenant-Commander, go to jefferies tube 14-H and reroute the plasma flow for the entire deck.

Baque - Ok, what will you be doing?

Garell - I'm supervising and giving orders, isn't that good enough?

Baque - I hate you.

Garell - No you don't, but that's okay, after all, you are an idiot.

Scene 12 - BOOM!

Bios - Son of a bitch!

Genocide - WOOO! THIS IS FUN!!!

Boom!

Parts of the cybernetic creatures go flying everywhere as Genocide again unleashes a burst of plasma from the gun his walking war machine is touting. Bios meanwhile, has reached the main computer processor.

Bios - Computer, do you recognize my voice?

Computer - Thank you for using the CelestOS 2.0 LCARS computer interface system, Lieutenant Bios, how may I help you?

Bios - Initiate firewall program, authorization Bios sigma one five zero. Encrypt on the following access code:

Bios speaks something in Bynar language and the computer beeps a few times. A massive bubble of flame forms around the computer processor, killing dozens of the creatures that were caught crossing it. The computer's defence system and Genocide make quick work of the creatures inside the bubble, and others are burnt to a crisp as they try to cross it.

Bios - It's done! Sir!

Genocide stops firing at the now dead entities long enough to reach down and let Bios climb onboard his exoskeleton.

Genocide - Now what?

Bios - Now we head for the trap.

They run out of the firewall, which lets them pass, and then turn toward the creatures which are still trying to get through.

Bios - Hey! Morons!

The creatures ignore her.

Bios - Want in? I'm the only one who can lower that firewall!

All the creatures stop what they're doing and turn to face the two officers.

Genocide - Uh...just out of curiosity, what happens if we're killed in here?

Bios - Oh nothing really, it's just that you, me, and probably Lieutenant Blavik will suffer permanent and fatal brain damage.

Genocide - Oh joy...time to run.

The mechanized bipedal battle suit starts running, with Genocide inside and Bios clinging onto it for dear life.

Bios - Wait a minute, I can fly in here, can't I?

She rises up far above the ground. Genocide jumps out of his battle suit and does the same.

Genocide - Good, let's see just how stupid these things are.

The creatures extend wings and start flying.

Genocide - God damn it!

Scene 13 - On deck 14, near the main computer memory core, Center walks in struggling to roll a large piece of machinery with two plugs coming out of it. He takes it over to Garell, who is yanking wires out of the wall near the ship's hard drive. An exposed plasma conduit with a valve sticking out of it is visible on the wall.

Center - Is this what you wanted? It weighs a tonne!

Garell - 300 kilograms, actually.

Center - You could have told me so I would have had time to get an antigrav unit!

Garell - Oh stop your whining, you little baby. At least it rolls.

Center - Yeah, if you call pushing a hexagon "rolling".

Tener comes in.

Tener - I can't find one. Looks like some dumb no-names used them to protect themselves on deck 20.

Garell - Don't worry, I forgot that the door has a built in one that's on a separate computer system.

Little does Tener know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has made his way down to deck 20 and is now facing four no-names who are hiding behind a forcefield.

NoName #2 - Should we let him in?

NoName #3 - Isn't this the same targ that has all the bad luck?

NoName #4 - Who cares, let him in!

NoName #5 - My pudding can is leaking all over my uniform!

NoName #2 - That's not pudding, you're bleeding!

NoName #3 - Way to cut yourself on the cover, you team killing fktard!

NoName #4 - I want pizza!

NoName #5 - I don't feel so good...

NoName #2 - Ice cream!

NoName #4 - Now I want ice cream too!

NoName #3 - You can't have ice cream, NoName #2 asked for it first!

NoName #5 - I think I'm going to pass out!

NoName #4 - Who are we sending out to get the food this time?

NoName #2 - I went last time, it's NoName #5's turn!

They turn to NoName #5 who has collapsed from blood loss.

NoName #3 - Crap, that means it's my turn.

He turns off the forcefield and Binky hops inside. However, just as NoName #3 is about to leave the deck to go get some pizza and ice cream and god knows what else, the entire deck explodes and blows them all out the bottom of the ship.

Binky - WHEEE!!!

As the four no-names, only three of which are still conscious, gasp for air, Binky is sucked into a temporal portal and vanishes.

Scene 14 - Inside the computer, Genocide and Bios are flying for their lives as hoards of Starship Trooper alien rip-offs chase them through various pathways.

Bios - There! There it is!

A big building labelled "ODN to EPS Converter" appears up ahead. The two officers fly inside and then Bios yells:

Bios - Blavik! Get us out of here!

They both vanish, and the thousands of bug things fly into the building. Outside, in the real world, Genocide and Bios come to and Genocide taps his combadge.

Genocide - Garell, NOW!

Garell (comm) - What?! We're not ready!

Camera goes to the place at which Baque, Tener, Garell, and Center are located.

Garell - Shit, they're all in there!

Baque - So what's the problem?

Garell yanks the converter off the plasma conduit and pushes it aside.

Garell - You're right, that thing is heavy.

Tener - Uh, what does this thingy mean?

They look at the console he is pointing at and their eyes go wide.

Center - Oh that's not good.

Garell - ALRIGHT EVERYONE OUT!!!

The four officers run out of the room.

Garell - Computer, erect a level 10 forcefield around the computer memory core access room.

Beep! The forcefield engages. Everyone looks inside the room, where the plug end of the plasma conduit is just sitting there, and the hum of the plasma flowing in the conduits begins to get louder.

Baque - Nothing's happening, isn't something supposed to happen?

Garell - The conduit cap is supposed to break open and release the energy harmlessly into the room.

Baque - Uh, what happens if it doesn't break?

Garell - Um...the feedback from all the energy creatures will eventually break through the little detour you set up and fly into the warp core.

Tener - I'm guessing that's a bad thing.

Garell - If you call getting blown to a trillion pieces in an antimatter explosion a bad thing, then yes, it's a very, very bad thing.

They continue to watch, but the conduit plug does nothing.

Garell - Son of a bitch!

On the bridge, everyone else has taken their stations.

Bios - Commander, the computer is starting back up. We'll have full control in a few moments.

Garell (comm) - Garell to bridge, we have a little problem.

Righteous - Oh yay! Problems!

Genocide - Problems are a bad thing, jackass.

Righteous - Oh yeah...

Garell (comm) - We didn't have time to weaken the valve cap. The energy density in the plasma is still building. I estimate it will feedback into the warp fore in less than a minute!

Senseless - What can we do to stop that?

Garell (comm) - The only thing I can think of is to manually break open the conduit, but that would vapourize everything in the room and we don't have time to get one of those robot thingies they use for blowing up luggage at airports!

Senseless - Evacuate the stardrive section, we'll separate the ship.

Garell (comm) - No time, and the shockwave would get us anyway.

Camera goes to deck 14. Consoles start sparking as the plasma conduits start to overload. Center looks at the computer memory core access room, then at everyone else, then at the sparking consoles, then at the memory core room.

Center - Ah hell...

He presses a button and drops the forcefield, slips inside and reactivates it before the other three turn around.

Garell - Ensign what the hell are you doing?

Center - Saving your sorry asses.

Garell - Ensign don't be a fking moron, you'll get yourself-

Too late. He picks up a pipe and hits the valve cap, blowing it open and filling the room with superheated plasma, which instantly vapourizes him.

Garell - -killed...

As the consoles and readouts stop freaking out and everything goes back to normal, the other three officers just stand there stunned. Camera goes to the bridge.

Senseless - Report! Why aren't we dead?

Genocide - Uh, the plasma was released...all system are returning to normal.

Bios - I'm running a full diagnostic on the computer now, but it looks like all the entities have been eradicated.

Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant-Commander Garell, I'm guessing the valve finally blew?

Garell (comm) - Not...quite...Commander.

Puker - Well all's well that ends well. We did some exploring, blew up an entire civilization of cybernetic baddies, and...Bios?

Bios - This file we got from that ship is a recipe for the galaxy's best pumpkin pie...huh, who knew?

Righteous - Ha! Told ya!

Senseless (ignoring them) - What do you mean, "not quite?"

Garell (comm) - It was manually opened, sir.

Senseless - But you said you didn't have time to-

Garell (comm) - Ensign Bob Center opened it, sir.

Everyone on the bridge stands stunned, well, all except Righteous.

Righteous - Ah, I think it's about time I promoted that man! Send him up here, blue woman.

Puker - He's dead, Lee...

Righteous - Oh...Prophets damn it!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC-80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	3. Celestial 43

Star Trek: Celestial #43 - Whose Console Is It Anyway?

By Swordtail

Started August 20, 2007

Finished August 27, 2007

Scene 1 - The Celestial floats through space near a space station of some sort.

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain's log, stardate 59746.6. Um...what's new...hmmm...let's see, Ensign Center is still dead, I guess. We were going to have a funeral, but that's kind of hard when there's nothing left of the body except a cloud of ionized gas...We did have a memorial service, but for some unknown reason only eleven people showed up: The entire senior staff, and two of his subordinates. Which is odd, because I wasn't aware he HAD any subordinates...Oh yeah, and Admiral Nelix has us running supply convoy duty for the next few days...something about keeping us out of trouble for a while...anyway, we're ferrying relief supplies to a colony near the Tholian border, which was hit by an ion storm or something. I'm too lazy to look up exactly what happened, but we're just supposed to help them. Beats me why, it's not like they're part of the Federation, and the Federation doesn't normally help outsiders.

Scene jumps to the bridge of the Celestial. Everyone present has turned and is looking at Righteous with an annoyed look. The Ops station is empty, and has a sign which says "Vacancy, Inquire at Captain's Chair" on it.

Baque - You retard!

Senseless - Um...the Federation went through enormous pains to help Bajor after the occupation.

Righteous - That's different, the Prophets told them to.

Baque - Thanks to Bajor, we discovered the wormhole...and thanks to that wormhole, we met the Dominion, and thanks to the Dominion, _OUR POPULATION IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW!_

Righteous - Not our problem at the moment. Ensign, hail the station.

Everyone groans and rolls their eyes.

Righteous - Ensign, I gave you a direct...oh yeah, ha ha, silly me. Um...who's controlling the comm system today?

Genocide - Uh...good question...where are the other Ops officers?

Baque - What other officers? Center worked the night shift, the morning shift, and the afternoon shift.

Genocide - Dude...you're right...I never saw him leave the bridge...how did he sleep?

Bios - I think he took short naps when no one was around.

Tener walks onto the bridge, leading a yellow-shirt no-name.

Tener - Found one.

Righteous - One what?

Tener - I've been searching the ship for three days now, trying to track down who is qualified to run the Operations station on the bridge...here's one.

NoName #1 - Wow, the bridge! I've never been up here before! Where do I sit?

Tener points to the Ops console, then walks over and takes the "Vacancy" sign off of it.

Righteous - Welcome to the senior staff, NoName #1...your first duty is to hail the station.

NoName #1 - Hail, hail...ah here it is.

The station commander appears on the screen.

Station Commander - Ready to go, Celestial?

Senseless - Ready as we'll ever be.

Station Commander - Good. See you in a few days.

The channel cuts.

Righteous - Alrighy then, flyboy, set a course for wherever we're supposed to be doing.

Baque - Fine, but stop calling me that.

Righteous - OK, helm boy.

Baque - Better...but I still hate it.

Senseless - Just lay in the damn course.

Baque - Alright, jeesh.

The Celestial turns and goes to warp.

Bios - So what is our cargo, anyway?

Genocide - I bet its weapons to help this colony defend against the Tholians!

Senseless - Actually its relief supplies.

Genocide - No weapons?

Senseless - Not that I know of.

Genocide - Oh we'll see about this. Nameless security officer! Take my post while I go digging through the cargo bays for a while.

Genocide leaves the bridge. Everyone else just goes back to doing whatever they were doing. Genocide enters one of the cargo bays and starts looking around through the forest of containers.

Genocide - Yeah, "relief" supplies, sure, right...and I'm a pacifist...the Klingons and Cardassians aren't even worth worrying about, the Romulans suck, the Gorn and Breen are still at large but manageable...so that just leaves the Tholians...yeah, like Admiral Spot would pass up an opportunity to score some allies near their border.

Suddenly, something makes a sound. Genocide spins around and whips out his phaser.

Genocide - Hello?

Silence...he moves around some crates and tries to catch whoever made the noise.

Genocide - Ah...HA! Oh...damn.

Finding nothing, he shakes his head and continues searching the crates. Suddenly, something moves again.

Genocide - Alright I know someone is there!

He peaks around a few corners and finds nothing. As he turns around, though, he finds himself face to face with a crate.

Genocide - What the...I don't remember this being here a minute ago...

He lightly touches the crate and it easily floats away. Genocide, irked, reaches behind and turns off the anti-gravity device attached to it.

Genocide - Stupid loading crew...can't do anything right...

Bllllurbb! (Or whatever it sounds like). The red alert klaxons go off.

Senseless (comm) - All hands, battlestations.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks, cargo goes flying.

Opening credits...booooooooooooooring!

Scene 2 - Bridge. Genocide runs in. On the viewscreen, several Tholian ships are constructing a wall of web stuff.

Genocide - What do they want? We're lightyears from their border.

Righteous - Who cares, we have a rendevous to make...FULL IMPULSE!

Baque - Uh, captain? That web is right in front of us.

Righteous - What did I JUST tell you to do, Lieutenant-Commander?

Baque - Aye sir...

The Celestial's impulse engines fire up and the ship moves forward, and crashes into the web. The webbing stretches and then rebounds, throwing back the Celestial. On the bridge, consoles are exploding.

NoName #1 - Port power coupling is offline, EPS grid has taken heavy damage, and-

BOOM! The operations console explodes, killing NoName #1.

Baque - Well, another brilliant idea from the laughing stock of the galaxy goes awry...any more plans, jerk?

Righteous - Hey, our new ops guy died!

Genocide - Fancy that...

Senseless - Genocide, can you do anything about those Tholian ships?

Genocide - Do bears shit in the woods?

Bios - Bears are extinct.

Genocide - It was a rhetorical question!

Garell enters the bridge.

Garell - Whose bright idea was it to try to ram the Tholian web?

Baque - Why do you show up after something breaks?

Garell - Hey, I get the job done, don't complain...oh yeah, we're fresh out of power couplings...we'll have to stop at the shipyard on the way home.

Genocide - The Tholians are retreating, sir. And they've dropped the web.

Righteous - Good. Resume course...I wonder why they attacked us?

Bios - Who knows. Tell Tener to find us another Operations officer.

Scene 3 - Space. The Celestial is warping by.

Righteous - Captain's log, supplemental. This sucks. I'm bored. Cargo hauling is really boring.

Camera goes to the bridge. Tener walks in leading another nameless yellow-shirt.

Tener - Alright, here's NoName #2.

NoName #2 - Wow, the bridge! I didn't know this ship even HAD a bridge!

Senseless - Alright, well, try to last longer than your predecessor.

NoName #2 - Okey Dokey, sir.

Beep, beep, beep! The operations console starts beeping.

NoName #2 - Wow! My first beep, beep, beep!

Senseless - ...Well?

NoName #2 - It says here...something...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - More Tholian ships. Shall I have them killed, sir?

Righteous - Meh, let the Prophets handle this one, I think they owe us a few favours anyway.

Boom, ship rocks, operations console explodes again.

NoName #2 - AH! GAK! (Dies)

Bios - Well...saw that coming.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Garell - Ah damn...they've knocked out our engines. I have to take care of this. I'll have them back online in five minutes, tops.

She initiates a site to site transport and beams herself to Main Engineering. There, she picks up a phaser, sets it to kill, and waves it around the room at the nameless engineers who are milling about already fixing stuff.

Garell - Listen up, everyone!

Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at the chief engineer.

Garell - If the engines aren't working in five minutes, people start dying.

The engineering crew scream and scramble to fix the engines.

Garell (tapping combadge) - Garell to bridge, everything is under control.

Camera goes back to the bridge.

Genocide - Sir, one of the ships has come along side us...they've extended some kind of docking tunnel...They're cutting through the hull, deck 12, section 6...near the cargo bays...hmmm...

Senseless - Oh come off of it, there's no weapons in there. Tener, organize a security team and keep them out until Garell can get the engines back online. Genocide, take care of their friends in the other ships.

Genocide - Woo hoo! Work time!

Tener - I find your enthusiasm slightly disturbing.

Baque - Slightly? I'd have to say our maniac of a tactical officer here is the most disturbing person on the ship.

Suddenly Doctor Puker bursts onto the bridge covered in blood and holding something in his hand.

Puker - WHO WANTS A NEW SPLEEN!?! I've got a fresh one right here! Don't worry, the doner doesn't need it anymore...well, at least, he didn't say he needed it.

Baque - I stand corrected.

Scene 4 - Some random corridor. Two security guards are already in place and taking aim at a glowing bulkhead as Tener and several more phaser-wielding yellow-shirts show up.

Tener - What's the situation?

NoName #3 - The Tholians are trying to cut through the hull...the temperature on the other side of that bulkhead is something like 480 degrees Kelvin.

Tener - Well, nothing left to do but leave.

NoName #3 - What??

Tener - That's right. Move out people.

The no-names shrug and move down the corridor.

Tener - Computer, isolate section 6 with a level six forcefield.

Bzzzt! The forcefield engages as the bulkhead breaks open. Three Tholians burst into the room, then stop.

NoName #3 - What now, sir?

Tener - Now, we watch the weather channel.

Weatherman - The forecast today on the USS Celestial calls for a balmy 20 degrees Celsius

Tholian #1 - High Pitched Squeaky Noise (Translation: Wow, we really should have thought this through.)

Bam! The Tholians shatter into a million super-heated pieces. Tener drops the forcefield.

Tener - Alright, lets test out a long-held myth: Take their remains and see if you actually can make Tholian silk. If not, then the myth is busted...got it?

NoName #3 - I like this job!

Suddenly, the engines come back online and Baque veers sharply to starboard. The Tholian ship breaks free of the Celestial and the hallway Tener and his group are in is exposed to space.

Tener - Oh son of a-

Woosh! He manages to grab a hold of a door frame, but the no-names are not so lucky.

NoName #3 - I'm too expendable to die...!

Splat! The no-names, flying through space, are hit by a Tholian ship, which is then destroyed by a quantum torpedo. Another forcefield finally seals the breach.

Tener - Well it was bound to happen.

Scene 5 - Space. The Celestial is under attack...again...by Tholians...again...they don't give up...their ships are like the size of shuttlecraft but they keep on attacking something that's nearly as big as a Sovereign. Seriously, like, wtf?

Righteous - Captain's log, we're running out of ops guys...

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen starts playing as no-name after no-name get killed while working the ops station.

---

NoName #4 - What does this button do?

Bzzzzt! He beams himself into space.

---

NoName #7 - Waffles!

He stabs a waffle with a fork but it goes through the plate and into the console where it electrocutes him.

---

NoName #10 - I smell burnt toast!

Collapse.

---

NoName #13 - Oh yeah, like I'm gonna last long with a number like that...

She puts a phaser to her head and pulls the trigger.

---

NoName #18 - Ooooh they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue, and they thought they had a ship, that the water would never leak through! It was on its maiden trip when the snowball hit the ship, it was sad when the great ship went-

PZZZZZT!!! Several phaser blasts fly across the bridge from various locations and put an end to NoName #18's terrible singing.

---

NoName #25 walks into sickbay with a papercut...and she never walks out...because injured no-names just can't be saved...

---

NoName #29 bangs his knee on the console.

NoName #29 - AH! This is the worst pain EVER!

Worf materializes on the bridge and shoots him.

Worf - Enough complaining! I...can't even remember why I do that anymore.

---

NoName #36 - Uh guys?

The rest of the bridge officers turn around and see that NoName #36 has a spoon sticking out of her forehead.

NoName #36 - Permission to leave the bridge?

Righteous - Granted.

NoName #36, being careful not to jiggle the spoon too much, walks through the turbolift doors and falls 10 decks to her death.

---

NoName #42 chokes on a pretzel and dies.

---

NoName #46 just explodes randomly. "Another One Bites the Dust" finally stops playing. The entire senior staff are present.

Senseless - This got ridiculous after about the third time it happened.

Puker - Spontaneous Vulcan Combustion...not every day you see that.

Blavik (raising an eyebrow) - Indeed...

Righteous - Da, da, da...another one bites the dust...da, da, da...another one bites the-

Baque - With no due respect, sir, shut up.

Righteous - Fine...

Garell - James, tell me you have someone more qualified on that list?

Tener - I arranged the names from most qualified to least competent...so no.

Bios - What if we were to get Lieutenant Scratcher from the USS Saratoga? I'm sure Captain Farfetched would understand our predicament and be willing...

Everyone Else - NO!

Bios - Just a thought...so, NO more names on that list, Lieutenant?

Tener - Well...there is one person left...she signed herself up.

Senseless - At this point we don't have anything to lose...send her to my office for an interview.

Tener - If you say so, sir...if you say so...

Tener leaves the bridge. More Tholian ships arrive and start shooting again.

Genocide - I'd sure like to know what they're so interested in that's in our cargo bays...if it were "relief supplies" they wouldn't be so willing to sacrifice so many ships...

Senseless - Theorize all you want, but there are no weapons in that cargo bay.

Genocide - Only time will tell...only time...(under his breath) and maybe a full internal scan...

Scene 6 - The Captain's Ready Room, aka Senseless's office. A young woman of about 23 sits in a chair, chewing bubblegum and twirling her blond hair around her finger. Senseless walks in and sits across the desk from her.

Senseless - Glad you could make it, Ensign Casey.

Casey - Like, oh my god! I was talking to Kiesha and she's all like "did you hear the ops job opened up" and I was like "No way!" and she was all like "you should so apply for it girl" and I was like "get out!" and she was like"no really, you'd be great at it" so I was like "OK, what do I got to lose, right?" and then that's like how I ended up applying for this job but then Lieutenant Tener said like I was like at the end of the list or whatever and I was all like "oh well," and like this is soooooooo cool!

Senseless's left eyebrow raises up as high as humanly possible.

Senseless - Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhtttttt...um...

He presses a few buttons on the laptop computer in front of him and pulls up Ensign Casey's resume. It says the following:

Resume

Ensign Casey

casey380164.sf

Senseless - Um...so do you have any skills that you might have left out of your resume?

Casey - Well I've been told I'm good in-

Senseless - On second thought, I probably don't want to know. Well, as they say, the 47th time is the charm...you're hired.

Casey - That is like so awesome!

Senseless (under his breath as Casey jumps around in joy) - I'm gonna regret this...

Scene 7 - Bridge. Senseless walks out leading the new operations officer.

Senseless - Alright everyone, let me introduce our new chief of operations...Ensign Casey.

Casey - Cool! I've like always wanted to meet you people! This is so freaking cool!

She runs around and shakes hands with the entire bridge staff.

Baque - Casey...is that your first name or your last name.

Casey - First.

Baque - What's your surname?

Casey just shrugs and goes over to the operations console. Baque goes over to Senseless.

Baque (quietly) - Commander...

Casey - Oh sweet! Waffles!

Baque (still being quiet) - Is this the best we can do?

Senseless - She's the last person on the ship who even remotely knows how to do Center's old job.

Baque - She's a walking blond joke!

Casey - Ooh, there's like a phaser holder here too!

She picks up the phaser and starts fiddling with it. Genocide quickly takes it from her.

Genocide - Um, this one is defective...I'll get you a new one.

Genocide takes the phaser to Bios.

Genocide (quietly) - Make it defective and then put it back in its place...I don't trust her to know how to use one properly.

As Bios starts jabbing screw drivers into the phaser, Genocide's console starts beeping.

Genocide - Company!

Righteous - Red alert! All hands to battlestations!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - They're targeting the bridge!

Boom, ship rocks some more, more sparks.

Genocide - Dorsal shields are down!

Bzzzzzzt! Several Tholians, this time wearing environmental suits, materialize and start shooting around the room, killing no-names. The senior officers start shooing back. Ensign Casey runs across the bridge and grabs the phaser Bios had been working on. She aims it at a Tholian and pulls the trigger, but instead of firing a beam, it simply starts making noises.

Casey - Huh, I guess it _is_ defective!

The briefing room doors open and six more Tholians start to come out. Casey tosses the phaser over her shoulder, where it goes through the briefing room doors and the Tholians look back at it. It then promptly explodes and sends the six Tholians flying through the air.

Baque (picking himself off the floor) - Sheesh, these Tholians don't give up. I'd say we're in more trouble than the Enterprise was when they put a mirror in Kirk's quarters.

Scene jumps to the original Enterprise, which is at red alert. Captain Kir, however, is still in his quarters, smiling at himself in the mirror.

Kirk - Kirk...James Kirk...James T. Kirk...James Tiberias Oh-My-God-I'm-Awesome Kirk...alllllright! Time to kick some Klingon ass!

Camera goes back to the Celestial's bridge.

Senseless (watching more Tholian ships besiege the viewscreen) - I wish we could somehow find out what they want, but they won't even answer our hails.

Casey - I could like hack their communication systems, if you want.

Bios - Wait...not even I can do that.

Casey - Hang on, I'll like cross polarize our secondary like deflector and use it to like activate their comm systems.

A Tholian ship explodes randomly.

Casey - Oops, wrong button.

She starts humming something as she works the console. Suddenly, a surprised Tholian appears on the viewscreen.

Righteous - Wow...hey, Mr. Tholian...why are you attacking us?

Tholian - Because...we just don't like you...and you're cargo can't be allowed to get to that colony! Hand it over!

Righteous - You want relief supplies? But you didn't ask for any!

Tholian - Relief supplies? You're transporting weapons! We won't let you arm those colonists!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - They're relief supplies! Why would Starfleet lie to us about that!

Tholian - Enough talking! Prepare to die! A long, horrible death! Yeah! DIE!!!!!!!

WHAM! The screen goes all static-like and then cuts out, being replaced with a "Signal Lost" message.

Genocide - The buggers rammed us!

Righteous - Hey, that's OUR last ditch move!

Garell walks onto the bridge, already in bitching mode.

Garell - Who let that ship ram us!?! I want a name! Was it you Genocide? No, probably Baque...ah to hell with it, I'm gonna kick you both in the ass...

She spies Ensign Casey, then turns toward the rest of the bridge crew.

Garell (thumbing behind her) - Who's that?

Righteous - That's our new ops guy...err...girl.

Garell - Great, MORE humans...

She storms off the bridge.

Scene 8 - Genocide stumbles into a different cargo bay onboard the Celestial, holding a phaser.

Genocide - Time to find out what the Tholians are so interested in.

As he walks slowly between the cargo containers, a flash of orange jumps behind him and knocks over a small crate. Genocide wheels around aims his phaser. When nothing moves, he cautiously edges around the corner, his phaser at the ready. Suddenly, a large orange tabby cat pounces at him and knocks him to the floor. His phaser goes flying and the cat, which is a good metre long, puts a clawed paw to his throat.

Genocide - What the hell?!

Cat - Commander Genocide?

Genocide - MITTENS?!?!

Mittens - Maybe...or maybe I'm a changeling infiltrator, so don't tell me anything that could be used against the Federation! What the hell are you doing here!?

Genocide - Uh...I live here!

Mittens - I meant what are you doing in the cargo bay?

Genocide - Trying to find out why the Tholians are going so far out of their way to make our day miserable.

Mittens - Oh...well that makes sense...I guess.

Genocide - What are _you_ doing here? The last time I saw you you were announcing a race that nearly got us all killed!

Mittens - That's classified.

Genocide - Did Admiral Spot send you to turn that colony that we've yet to describe into our allies?

Mittens - That's classified.

Genocide - What department are you with? Starfleet Intelligence? Section 31?

Mittens - That's classified also.

Genocide - Well why are you hiding from us?

Mittens - That too is classified.

Genocide - How do the Tholians know-

Mittens - Classified.

Genocide - What is-

Mittens - Classified.

Genocide - Is there anything you can tell me that isn't classified?

Mittens - Sorry, that's classified.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Righteous, Baque, Bios, Senseless, Tener, Garell, Blavik, Puker, and a talkative Casey are present.

Casey - ...And I was all like "you're full of b.s." and he was all like "I beg your pardon, ma'am?" and I'm like "there is NO WAY there's an inverted waterfall on this planet" and he's like "see for yourself" and I'm like looking and stuff and it is soooo true! The water really falls upward, out of the troposphere and then re-condenses and falls back as rain. The whole time you're there like all your hear is water sloshing around or falling or dripping or running down rivers or like you hear waves and puddles and...I have to go to the bathroom now...

Ensign Casey skips off the bridge.

Righteous - Well I for one like her.

Baque - Fancy that.

Senseless - She seems competent enough, and she's survived more than five minutes so I'm guessing she's a keeper.

Garell - I for one am launching an official protest with Starfleet Command. I'm sure there's a rule that says something about hiring visible minorities in certain percentages and I doubt we meet that. Now Solaris...do you know how many humans they have in their senior staff? Two. That's right, eight senior officers and only two of them are human. The rest are non-human, as would be expected in a society that is supposedly free of racism and-

Bios - As the one who represents the most visible minority on the ship, I can honestly say I'd like you to shut up ma'am.

Garell - How are you the most visible minority?

Bios - Well, for starters, I'm the only Bynar on the ship at the moment. Secondly, I technically have no gender, but you people keep referring to me as female. Seems a little sexist, doesn't it?

Garell - ...But you look female, more or less. That, and every Bynar ever portrayed on screen was played by a female actor. What other pronoun are we supposed to use? It?

Bios - Ya see? Your languages don't have the proper pronoun structures in place. If anyone should be complaining, it should be me, but I don't because I know it's no one's fault. It's just the way the fates happened that Righteous hired the first people he could find. So with no due respect, ma'am, shut the hell up.

Pause...

Righteous - Where did Ensign Casey go? She was telling us a wonderful story about the inverted waterfalls of Dratex VII.

Baque - She probably got lost.

Genocide bursts onto the bridge, which isn't an easy feat since the only real entrance is via turbolift, and it's hard to burst out of a turbolift car...well...unless you use a phaser to blow the doors apart, which he did.

Genocide - Guess who I found lurking in our cargo bays?

Righteous - The Emissary?

Genocide - NO! MITTENS! AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

Senseless - What the heck are you talking about now?

Genocide - Do any of you remember that cat Admiral Spot hired to announce the race we were in with the USS Avenger back in the second season?

Baque - All I remember is we kicked their collective asses.

Genocide - Well, he says I know too much so now he's trying to kill me!

Puker - Time for another psychological evaluation, Mr. Genocide...come with me to sickbay.

Genocide - I'm not crazy! He's trying to kill me!

Senseless - Look, none of us doubt that Mittens is onboard, it seems fairly normal for random people to just show up unannounced...but I highly doubt he wants to kill you.

Blavik - Mittens is a race announcer. Logic dictates he must be heading for a race somewhere near where we are going.

Genocide - No he told me-

The turbolift doors open and Casey walks onto the bridge, carrying (no easy feat) a purring Mittens, the massive tabby cat who is covered in scars and is missing part of an ear.

Casey (baby talk) - Who's a good kitty!? Yes we are! Yes we are!

Mittens - Purrr...oh hi everyone! I was just on my way to a race the Tholians are holding and I thought I'd hitch a ride with you. You'll find the travel documents in your ship's computer. Sorry I didn't get around to letting you know I was onboard, but the battles scared me into hiding.

Righteous - That's ok, we forgive you.

Mittens - Congrats on finding a new operations officer.

Senseless - Thanks. So, if the Tholians know you're onboard, why are they attacking us?

Mittens - They don't know I'm onboard. They probably think you're carrying weapons or something.

Senseless - But we're not, we're carrying relief supplies.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. More Tholians attacking from port...go figure.

Senseless - Here we go again...

Genocide - Commander, I think Mittens here would-

He spies mittens giving him an evil look that says "shut up if you want to live" and changes his mind mid sentence. No one else seems to notice it.

Genocide - ...like to go somewhere safer than the bridge.

Senseless - Good idea. Tener?

Tener - This way, Mr. Mittens.

The two leave the bridge with Blavik and Puker as everyone else goes to their stations.

Baque - These guys don't give up do they?

Boom, ship rocks, more sparks.

Genocide - Firing phasers.

One by one the Tholian ships explode.

Genocide - If this is supposed to be this episode's climax, it's very anti-climactical.

Righteous - Oh stop your complaining. Helm boy, how much longer until we reach this colony?

Baque - Assuming no more interruptions, five minutes.

Righteous - Than all ahead full...Jack, what does that mean, "all ahead full?"

Senseless - It essentially means "go forward at full impulse."

Righteous - Then why not say that?

Senseless - It's an old maritime saying.

Righteous - You know frankly I don't see why the Atlantic Provinces of that place you guys call Canada get to have to many weird sayings imprinted into our culture.

Senseless - Sir, maritime refers to any seagoing-

Righteous - Spare me your incessant technobabble...I get enough of it from the rest of you people.

Garell - You know, I'm still wondering why the Tholians are bothering to attack us. Aside from that run-in with the wall of their web, we haven't really sustained that much damage in their attacks. It's almost like the only thing they're doing is slowing us down...

She trails off and then the rest of the bridge crew, except Righteous and Casey for obvious reasons, come to a startling realization and their eyes go wide.

Senseless, Genocide, Garell, Bios - STEP ON IT!

Baque - You don't have to tell me twice!

The Celestial puts on a burst of speed and jumps from warp 7 to warp 9.936 in a record three seconds...woot...go them...not.

Casey - Like, what's everyone so flustered about?

Righteous - Yeah, what's the big deal? And why isn't the blue woman here complaining about the engines being used this way?

Senseless - Captain, those ships have been trying to slow us down. They know where we're going, and they know why. For all we know they've already-

Casey - Oh look, I'm like picking up a planetary distress signal from that colony we're supposed to be like helping! They like say they are, like, under attack by Tholians!

Righteous - Oh that doesn't sound good...we should help them.

Baque - Entering the system.

Senseless - Third planet on the left, put us in geostationary orbit above their capital city.

The Celestial drops out of warp and bumps into a satellite.

Righteous - Hail them.

Casey - Sure thing boss.

A Tholian appears onscreen.

Tholian - We've annexed this planet in the name of the Tholian Assembly! Leave our space at once!

Everyone looks at each other.

Garell - Ah man, Admiral Nelix is gonna be pissed...

Genocide - There's something new.

Senseless - What have you done with the native population?

Tholian - Don't worry, they're still alive. They will now pay taxes to the Assembly, and follow our rules and laws...and they'll have a dozen new holidays...BUT NO REBELLING!!! OR WE'LL SLAUGHTER THEM!

Senseless - Sounds fair enough...um...we've got some relief supplies...in the interest of not going to war over this, would you distribute them amongst the population?

Tholian - We'll need to inspect the cargo, but that should be acceptable...we're sending transport coordinates. Nameless Colony containing Nameless Aliens who are now subjugated by the Tholian Assembly out.

The screen goes blank.

Tener (comm) - Tener to Genocide, I need you down here in transporter room one.

Genocide - On my way.

Scene 10 - Transporter Room 1. Tener is standing outside as Genocide enters.

Tener - Mittens wants to see you, he wouldn't say why.

Genocide - If I don't come out, tell my family I died fighting.

Tener - I don't think they'd believe me if I told them anything else, but why?

Genocide - I'll tell you later. Go help transport the relief supplies.

Genocide enters the room. Mittens is standing on the transporter pad.

Genocide - What do you want!

Mittens - I just wanted to say good luck with the future. I'm going down to attend to some business...so long. Oh, and one more thing.

Genocide - Yeah?

Mittens (in a very deep voice) - Don't, ever, be, alone...

Mittens the cat vanishes in a transporter beam. Genocide shivers and leave the room.

Scene 11 - Earth Spacedock. The Celestial pulls in alongside some nameless ships.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 59760.3. We're back in Federation space again, and according to Admiral Nelix, we aren't in any trouble. Apparently Starfleet Command fully counted on the Tholians annexing the colony, since they've tried before, hence the need for relief supplies. Long story short, our real mission was to deliver Mittens there. He's a diplomat, or something like that...end log.

Camera flies over and goes inside one of the space dock's observation lounges. Earth is out the window, as is some guy who is cleaning said window from the outside. Captain Amy Castanea of the USS Citadel, Captain Leon Farfetched of the USS Saratoga, and Captain Righteous of the USS Celestial are sitting around a table.

Farfetched - I hear finding this operations person was no easy task.

Righteous - Well the morgue's overflowing again but that's nothing we can't handle. So how go the repairs on your ships?

Farfetched - I'm still waiting on a new stardrive section for mine. They're building a custom one at the Utopia Planitia ship yards in Yard 7.

Castanea - Well hopefully they'll do a better job with yours. I got Yard 7 to fix the Citadel...I told the guys I wanted her to fly circles around other ships.

Righteous - And?

Castanea - And now it only flies in circles.

Righteous and Farfetched start laughing, then Farfetched suddenly stops and his eyes go wide.

Farfetched - ...Uh oh.

Commander Shelby (comm) - Captain, the shipyard just called...apparently they're gonna need a few more days...they put the nacelles on backwards.

Farfetched - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	4. Celestial 44

Star Trek: Celestial #44 - Cause and Suspect

By Swordtail

Started August 29, 2007

Finished September 7, 2007

Scene 1 - The USS Litterbox flies toward a star.

Spot - Chief of Defence Staff's log, stardate 59760.3. A day ago, a long range subspace telescope detected an odd mass around a star previously thought to be vacant of all planets. Closer inspection revealed that the mass was a Dyson sphere of some sort. It wasn't there when we looked at the star ten years ago. The Litterbox was dispatched to make contact with the race that's building this thing. When we were within visual range, they agreed to meet with us. It turns out they're a race of beings known as the Xyranites who evolved tens of millions of years ago in another galaxy. They're what we call a Type II civilization, one that utilizes the power of stars to fuel their society. By comparison, the Federation is only type one, utilizing mainly geothermal energy to produce antimatter for our ships. Being peaceful, they've decided that since we're they're new neighbours, they would be willing to share their advanced technology for constructing mega-structures with us.

The tape suddenly grinds to a halt. Camera goes to a room somewhere, and zooms in on Fleet Admiral Spot's angry cat face.

Spot - ...Which is what WOULD have happened, if SOMEONE hadn't shown up and ruined everything!

The camera spins around to show a very guilty looking crew of the USS Celestial.

Opening credits, da.

Scene 2 - Camera zooms in on the spacedock, then goes through one of the windows into a large auditorium. Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Doctor Puker, Lieutenant-Commander Baque, Lieutenant Tener, Lieutenant Bios, Lieutenant Blavik, Ensign Casey, Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, Captain Castanea, Captain Ketrell, Commander Ren, Lieutenant-Commander Adair, Lieutenant-Commander Dalarsh, Lieutenant Frell, Lieutenant Sa'lol, Doctor Samson, Lieutenant Tevarin, Admiral Nelix, and Fleet Admiral Spot are all sitting in the room...so basically practically every major character in this entire series is in that room.

Fleet Admiral Spot - We are gathered here today to pay homage to the idiocy of our dear friend Captain Righteous Lee. And his dumb crew. And the rest of you morons. Seriously, you guys really fked things up today. All of you.

Nelix - Well I should have seen it coming. You guys really hit an all time low.

Spot - Shut it, Admiral, you were in charge of them when it happened.

She starts prancing around the room.

Spot - Alright, let's try to figure out what exactly went wrong, shall we? Righteous and crew, want to explain what the hell you were doing in that system to begin with?

Righteous - Well, it all started millions of years ago when the Prophets decided to create the universe...

Spot - Someone else please start!

Senseless - It all started early that morning when we got a weird sensor reading...

A flashback starts. The camera goes to watching the USS Celestial fly through space.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 59760.3. All systems are functioning normally, the crew is in good spirits, the Prophets are smiling down on us, and we're all bored out of our skulls...time for an adventure I guess.

Camera goes onto the bridge. All senior staff are present.

Bios - No, no, no, the cosmological constant basically states that pie is good, it's a well known fact.

Genocide - Are you 100 sure about that? I always thought it had something to do with relativity and the expansion of the universe.

Bios - Oh please, you're thinking of the other cosmological constant.

Genocide - There's two?

Bios - Sure, why not?

Casey - What's a constant?

Righteous - What does cosmological mean?

Bios - Wait, wait, hold up guys...getting something weird on the sensors.

Genocide - Define weird.

Bios - It's a star that's not emitting anywhere near the amount of light it should be emitting for it's mass.

Righteous - Is that a bad thing?

Bios - Probably, but we can't be sure from this distance.

Senseless - Where is it?

Bios - Six lightyears, bearing 056 mark 280.

Righteous - Sounds like fun. Lay in a course, helm boy!

The Celestial turns and goes to warp. Later, on the bridge...

Baque - We're here.

Senseless - On screen.

A space station with a big "Burger King" sign appears onscreen.

Senseless - THIS is what was so interesting?

Bios - What the! This isn't it! You took us to the wrong coordinates!

Baque - I know, but it was on our way so I figured we'd all like some non-replicated food.

The comm system activates.

Waiter - Welcome to Burger King, how can I help you?

Righteous - I'll have a large big mac.

Genocide - I'll have an egg mcmuffin,

Baque - I'll have an ice cap and a large double double.

Casey - I, like, want the super fun pack!

Waiter - ...Just a moment.

Camera goes inside the station.

Waiter - Um...

Manager - Just do the usual.

The waiter replicates the food and then transports it to the bridge of the Celestial. The ship pulls away and jumps back into warp.

Scene 3 - That room on the Spacedock. Admiral Spot, still pissed, turns away from the crew of the Celestial and looks menacingly at the crew of Solaris.

Spot - Alright, so we know how THEY ended up getting there, but what about you jerks?

Ketrell - Alright, it started that same morning...

Camera jumps into another flashback. The USS Solaris is cruising along at warp, minding its own business. On the bridge, everyone is present except Doctor Samson

Ren - So...anyone know anything about what happened to Chester?

Tevarin - Who cares, he's just gonna die in a few months anyway.

Sa'lol - I'm touched that you have so much faith in my abilities to create viruses, but chances are he'll just hire some doctors to cure him. Or more likely he'll just steal the cure.

Frell - Oh here we go again...

The ship drops out of warp and the lights flicker.

Dalarsh (sigh) - Alright, give me a second.

She walks into the turbolift.

Dalarsh - Main Engineering.

The doors close, the turbolift goes down a few decks, and then opens into a corridor. The angered Andorian walks into Main Engineering and hits the warp core with a two foot long lead pipe. She then goes back to the bridge and smacks the helm console, and the ship goes back to warp.

Ketrell - It's a good thing you keep that pipe within reach at all times.

Dalarsh - Are you kidding? I sleep with this thing under my pillow.

Adair - Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't lead carcinogenic or something?

Dalarsh - Yeah, but I coated the pipe with arsenic.

Adair - Ah.

Sa'lol - Woah, check this out.

She presses some buttons and the viewscreen changes to show a black sphere surrounded by starscape. At the equator of the sphere is a strip of alternating light and dark rectangles.

Ketrell - What the heck? It looks like some kind of...big...sphere?

Ren - No sht, Sherlock.

Sa'lol - Whatever it is it's huge. Its more massive than most solar systems.

Tevarin - It's about five lightyears from our current location.

Sa'lol - Uh guys...the dimensions are coming in.

Ren - Well don't keep it to yourself Lieutenant.

Sa'lol - Um...it's a perfect sphere approximately ten million kilometres in diameter. It's about one kilometre thick and...it's around a star.

Adait - My god...it's a Dyson sphere!

Frell - You mean that thing the USS Enterprise found a decade ago? Oh crap are we off course?

As she fumbles with the helm console, Sa'lol continues reading stuff off of her science station.

Sa'lol - It's defiantly being used for energy collection...there's so much electromagnetic interference that subspace communications are being affected...that must be why we didn't detect it earlier.

Adair - I'm thinking we should go to yellow alert, just to be safe.

Ketrell - Agreed. Take us in closer.

The Solaris veers off and heads in another direction at warp.

Scene 4 - Back in the space dock.

Spot - Alright, so let me get this straight...somehow, Solaris, which was about as far away from the system as the Celestial was, was able to get all that detail so easily?

Genocide - Don't blame us, they have better sensors than we do.

Spot - Not that much better!

Bios - Hey, someone keeps screwing with the presets on the science console...I think it's the night shift guy. It isn't my fault if it doesn't work right.

Spot - Whatever, I'm pretty much immune to your level of incompetence by now...Captain Farfetched...what the HELL is your story?

Farfetched - Well...

Camera jumps into yet another flashback. Scene is on the bridge of the USS Saratoga, all nice and fixed.

Farfetched - Well aside from putting the nacelles on backwards the first time, I'd say those jackasses in the shipyard did a pretty good job with out new stardrive section.

NoName #1 (helm girl) - Sir, there's a large vessel approaching...it's towing a planet...

Farfetched - WHAT?

NoName #1 - Sir, there's a vessel approaching...it's-

Farfetched - Oh don't even start that joke. It's been beaten to a bloody pulp with two foot long three inch diameter composite lead pipes long enough.

Shelby - On screen.

A boxy ship appears on screen. Behind it, extending several thousand kilometres, is a blue tractor beam. At the end of the tractor beam is a gas giant, it's rings skewed by the motion, and several moons still following at a safe distance.

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Well...you don't see that everyday.

Farfetched - Holy...mother...of...um...hail that ship.

Lieutenant Scratcher - THEY ARE RESPONDING, SIR!

Shelby - On screen.

A goofy forehead alien appears onscreen. Just make something up.

Alien - Greetings, I'm Captain Nameless, of the Xyranite transport ship Nameless. How may we be of service?

Farfetched - Xyranite? We've never heard of you. Where are you from?

Captain Nameless - I'm not surprised. We're new to this galaxy. We came from the smaller of the two large satellite galaxies to this one. A hypernova destroyed our native systems millennia ago so we decided to come here.

Farfetched - The Small Magellanic Cloud? But that's over 61 thousand parsecs away! How did you get here?

Captain Nameless - We flew here...it required a lot of patience, and a lot of TV dinners.

Farfetched - Well, I suppose we should introduce ourselves. I'm Captain Leon Farfetched, of the United Federation of Planets starship Saratoga. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Captain Nameless - Yes, we've already spoken to the Federation council. They've allowed us to set up our empire within Federation space, in exchange for some minor technological upgrades.

Farfetched - So, next question...why are you towing a gas giant behind your ship?

Captain Nameless - Oh...we're using the raw material to construct a ringworld around the star we're using. We've already finished building the energy sphere, which we brought with us, in pieces.

Camera jumps to show a guy who looks like a construction worker, who's holding a piece of paper with a picture of a sphere on it in one hand, and holding a small black screw-like thing in another.

Worker - (sigh) There's always a piece left over...

Camera goes back to the Saratoga.

Captain Nameless - So yeah. Hey, do you want the moons? I know you guys still use planets to live on and to produce energy.

Farfetched - Uh...well, I don't know where we'd put them...or how we'd move them...

Captain Nameless - Well let us know if you change your mind. In the meantime, feel free to enter our system and observe our operations. Nameless out.

The screen goes blank.

NoName #1 - We're within visual range of the system.

Shelby - On screen.

The now familiar Dyson sphere with little rectangles cut into it appears onscreen.

Farfetched - Call the Citadel...tell Amy I think we have something they might like to see...

Scratcher - CONSIDER IT DONE, SIR!!!

Scene 5 - Space dock again.

Spot - So now we know how everyone got there, and it seems benign enough...so...what happened next?

Nelix - That would have been the Celestial's fault.

Senseless - Not entirely...

Another flashback...Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Bios - Wow that's a big...whatever it is.

Camera pans out as the Celestial flies through millions of kilometres of scaffolding. Massive ships towing chunks of matter are flying in rows toward massive furnaces of some sort. In one end goes the raw gas or dust and out the other end comes some sort of metal which is then welded to the scaffolding. Back on the bridge.

Righteous - I reallllllllly hope these guys are friendly.

Casey - Why are they like making a ring?

Senseless - What?

Casey - Like all the different parts are like in the same orbit and stuff and like they all like have the same curvature.

Genocide - They're actually building a ringworld?

Casey - A what?

Baque - Oh right, you weren't there, were you?

Casey - Weren't where?

Senseless - The extra-dimensional hell plain was a ringworld...which we accidentally destroyed. Um...Mr. Baque, maybe we should park ourselves a safe distance from this one.

Genocide - Guys, there's three more Federation ships entering the system. They're the Saratoga, the Citadel, and Solaris.

Righteous - Aw man, I was hoping we'd be the ones to make the big discovery.

Casey - Wow, like, the Saratoga is saying that apparently these guys are going to help us and stuff.

Senseless - Really? Wow...OK people, let's be very, very, careful...make sure NOTHING happens to screw this up...

Meanwhile, in another part of the ship, a temporal portal opens up and Binky the Mistreated assimilated Targ pops out and is instantly given a message the Borg put into his voice mail.

Borg (in Binky's head) - Two of One, last adjunct of Unimatrix 01...assimilate all knowledge related to the technology in your vicinity and report it to the Collective. Resistance is futile.

Binky the Borg trots mechanically down the corridor and enters a room. He injects assimilation tubules into a console and downloads the Celestial's sensor logs. On the bridge...

Bios - Hang on, someone's into our main computer. They're accessing our entire database!

Genocide - Damn it, I knew these guys sounded too good to be true! Raising shields, arming weapons!

Senseless - Belay that. Where is it happening?

Bios - Uh, deck 8, a science lab.

Righteous - Nope. No science labs on deck 8. Only Bajoran temples.

Bios - You mean those ones you never use that I reconverted back into science labs?

Garell (comm) - Engineering to bridge, what the hell is going on? Someone just tapped into the deflector array and reconfigured it to send out a long range subspace...never mind, it just got sent.

Casey - Hey we like have an intruder in that room thing.

Senseless - What kind of intruder?

Casey - I don't know...wait...what does this urgently flashing green hand thing mean?

Senseless and Righteous walk over to the operations console and see the Borg symbol flashing on the screen.

Senseless - ...AH COME ON! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO US!?!

Scene 6 - Spacedock.

Spot - Oh, you're blaming it on the Targ now, are you?

Senseless - The Borg targ!

Spot - Why in the galaxy would the Borg assimilate Binky the Mistreated Targ?

Senseless - Why in the galaxy would anyone allow a cat to order around all of Starfleet?

Spot - ...Point taken. Proceed.

Ketrell - Uh, yeah, I think that's where we butt in.

Camera goes to the bridge of Solaris, where everyone is just awestruck at the massive construction project under way in front of the ship.

Ren - Wow...that's a big fing thing.

Ketrell - Noooo kidding.

Sa'lol - Hey, do you guys feel that?

Samson - Feel what?

Sa'lol - That faint vibration...

Dalarsh - Probably just the engines not working right.

Sa'lol - No it's different...

Suddenly, a half dozen consoles start beeping at once and the ship goes to red alert on its own.

Adair - Uh...ah oh!

He presses some buttons and the viewscreen changes to show a glowing green portal behind Solaris. Suddenly, a Borg sphere comes out, followed by another one, then a tactical cube, and another, and another, and then one of those massive honking assimilation cubes...and then Solaris starts to really shake as the six Borg ships move toward the Xyranite star system. The comm system activates.

Borg - We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. You will not pass go, you will not collect $200. Resistance is futile!

Ketrell - All hands, battlestations!

Adair - They're ignoring us...

Frell - Oh, how rude of them...um...do you think maybe we should help the Xyranites?

They watch the viewscreen as a Borg tactical cube is hit by a Xyranite ship's torpedo and explodes.

Ketrell - Nah they'll be fine.

They watch as another torpedo hits one of the spheres but is absorbed by its shields.

Ketrell - Then again, I have been wrong before.

Camera jumps to the Saratoga.

Farfetched - Oh bugger...um...hail Starfleet.

Scratcher - ELECTROMAGNETIC INTERFERENCE IS PREVENTING US FROM SENDING A LONG RANGE MESSAGE, SIR!

Camera jumps to the bridge of the USS Celestial.

Senseless - Crap...alright, start sending the Xyranites everything we know about fighting the Borg. It doesn't look like they're using random-frequency phasers like we do.

Righteous - Maybe it's just me, but it seems that if the Borg manage to assimilwhatever one of those big ships out there, they'd be a little harder to fight the next time we meet them.

Genocide - Uh...no that's not just you, sir, that time you actually made some sense.

Righteous - So...?

Senseless - All hands, battlestations! Genocide, target the nearest Borg ship and fire at will!

Camera watches as the Celestial fires several quantum torpedoes and destroys one of the spheres. Camera suddenly jumps to the spacedock.

Spot - Oh come on, that did NOT happen! You guys didn't destroy an entire Borg sphere by yourselves!

Righteous - Who's telling this story?!? Me or you?

Senseless - Sir, just tell it right.

Righteous (rolling eyes) - FIIIIIIINE!

Camera watches as the Celestial flies dangerously through some scaffolding with the sphere in hot pursuit, then makes a sharp turn and tricks the sphere into crashing into the side of a piece of ringworld. Camera jumps to the spacedock.

Spot - Oh come on! Sphere's have engines on all sides! They're a dozen times as manoeuvrable as the Celestial!

Righteous - Sheesh whatever happened to the art of harmless exaggeration?

Camera watches as the Celestial meekly fires phasers at the sphere, long enough the annoy the crap out of it. As soon as it trains its weapons on the Celestial a Xyranite ship blows it up with a welding beam of some sort. Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Righteous - Open a channel to all ships. This is Captain Righteous Lee of the USS Celestial. I'm taking command of the fleet. Target all weapons on the following coordinates.

Righteous turns to the rest of the bridge staff.

Righteous - I was paying attention when Picard told everyone how to blow up Borg cubes!

Casey - Uh, sir? Those coordinates you just sent out, they're, like, in the middle space.

A pause.

Righteous - This is Captain Righteous Lee of the USS Celestial. I'm giving up command of the fleet.

Genocide - Good move, jerk.

Righteous - It was worth a try.

Suddenly, a Xyranite captain appears onscreen.

Xyranite Captain - Who the heck are these guys!??!

Senseless - Um...they're called the Borg. They're a race of cybernetically enhanced beings. They reproduce by kidnapping members of other races and converting them into drones. They have a hive mentality and a collective consciousness. Their ultimate goal is to achieve perfection and to "give perfection to everyone else." They're highly adaptive and extremely resourceful.

Baque - Yeah, long story short, we're boned.

Xyranite Captain - If they're so bad, why did you call them in?

Senseless - Oops, totally forgot about that. Um, that's still their fault, can you, just...

He motions to Casey who puts up the "Hold" screen ("Please stay on the line, your hail IS important to us!")

Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant Tener, what's happening in the Targ category?

Camera goes to a corridor where Tener is talking. Behind him is Garell and several no-names who are trying to cut open a door with a phaser welder.

Tener - The damn thing locked itself inside the science lab and we can't get in.

Senseless (comm) - Have you tried flooding the area with tachyon particles?

Tener - Yeah, it doesn't seem to be working for some reason.

Garell - Commander it's probably our proximity to so many Borg ships. The collective is adapting the targ's shielding to block them out.

Camera goes back to the spacedock.

Admiral Nelix - Did it ever occur to you to just beam the damn targ into space? You DO have multi-adaptive transporters, don't you? The ones that supposedly can beam through shields if you set them up right?

Righteous - We have what in the where now?

Senseless - Admiral, with all due respect, that's utter B.S. Everyone knows it's impossible to beam through shields...that's kind of what shields are meant to do, stop things from getting in or out.

Nelix - Pbbbt...that didn't stop Voyager.

Spot - Well we all know Voyager had a knack for faking log entries...

Camera jumps to the USS Voyager, several years earlier, while they were still in the delta quadrant. Paris, Janeway, Tuvok, Torres, and Chakotay are on an away mission, standing on a cliff overlooking the remains of a burning city, phasers in hand, all splattered in orange blood or something.

Janeway - Um...

Long pause.

Janeway - Uh, make a note in the ship's log...0700 hours, responded to a distress call...0900...arrived, no survivors. We don't know who these people were, but we do know that the Borg are to blame...yep, when I doubt, blame the collective.

Tuvok - A most logical approach, captain.

Paris - Wow it's a good thing we stopped the Equinox from using that transwarp coil they developed using their superior resources from getting home before us and telling everyone of the damage we've caused.

Torres - I've set up a convenient accident to take care of those few "loose ends" we recruited from that ship before you destroyed it, captain. I call it the "The Killing Game, Parts I and II"

Camera jumps back to the spacedock.

Ketrell - Wait a minute, "The Killing Game" happened long before "Equinox!"

Spot - What part of "faked the log entries" didn't you get? Now, I'm eager to hear what the Celestial did with that targ...should be amusing.

Another flashback starts. Camera is in that corridor where Tener and Garell and their subordinates are trying to cut through the door to get to Binky.

Tener - Hurry up, guys, there's no telling what kind of damage that targ could do from in there!

Garell - Shut up, we're working as fast as we can!

Tener - You're just standing there, filing your nails!!!

Garell - Well SOMEONE'S got to supervise!

Tener - You know, I'm no expert in spatial mechanics, but maybe we should turn the tachyon emitter off...just to be on the safe side?

Garell - Oh come on, it's not hurting anything.

Suddenly, the TARDIS appears in the middle of the corridor. The Doctor and that Martha girl from the third season step out and look around.

Doctor - What the bloody hell...

Tener and Garell just look at each other.

Doctor - This isn't 4th century China!

Garell - Righto, turning off the tachyon emitter.

Doctor - ...Must be a glitch somewhere.

He kicks the blue police box and then they both get back in and leave.

Pause...

Tener - Let's never speak of this again...

Camera goes to the spacedock, where Tener pipes up from the back and interrupts Garell.

Tener - MA'AM! YOU AGREED WE WERE NEVER GOING TO SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!

Camera goes back to the Celestial's bridge.

Senseless - I can't help feeling like we should be out there helping, but they seem to be doing find on their own.

Baque - Personally I kind of like being the spectator for once. Feels safe.

Senseless - Get your feet off the console. Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, can you aim the ship's phasers at the science lab the targ is on?

Genocide - Afraid not.

Senseless - Damn.

Bios - The assimilation cube is moving towards us.

Casey - That, like, sounds bad.

Bios (reading console) - I don't think they're coming after us though...ah oh...long range sensors have detected a fleet of large ships coming in at high warp. There's...this can't be right...um...sir...

Genocide (reading his console) - Oh my god...

Casey (looking to see what all the commotion is about) - Oh...my...GOD! THAT IS SOOOOOO COOL!

Baque (reading his console as well) - The things the universe throws as us just boggles the mind...

Righteous - Would someone PLEASE tell me what the hell is so "amazing!?!"

Senseless - Report...how many ships are inbound?

No one who has a console says anything, the just keep staring at their screens.

Righteous - Commander!

Senseless goes over to the operations console and pushes Casey out of the way. He looks at the console and his jaw drops.

Righteous - Well?

Senseless - There are over 7,380,000 three kilometre long starships entering the system.

Bios - Uh...there are around 100,000 biosigns on each ship...look to be in statis.

Suddenly Puker and Blavik burst onto the bridge.

Puker - What's the matter, what's happening?

Senseless - Oh nothing really, we've just picked up over 7,380,000 starships carrying 100,000 people each entering the system.

Puker - What the hell? How can there be 730 billion people in a single solar system! Why, the energy requirements for food and medicine would be enormous! They must be intending to colonize other stars as well...

Genocide - You don't think...

Baque - It's an invasion, isn't it?

Senseless - Hail the nearest Xyranite ship.

A Xyranite Captain appears onscreen.

Senseless - Why so many people?

Xyranite Captain - Ah, you've seen them. Yes, we need more workers to finish ring.

Senseless - Workers??? You've brought in 738 billion WORKERS??? WHAT THE HELL FOR!?!

Xyranite Captain - Once the ring is complete and the terrain and atmosphere has been added, someone will have to build cities and clear space for farmland and space ports and Walmart's. It all has to be done before the rest of our population arrives.

Righteous - In the name of the Prophets, how many damn people does your population have?

Xyranite Captain - At last estimate, a little over 47 trillion.

Baque - Those ships are armed, right?

Camera goes to watch the Borg assimilation cube approach the armada of ships, which have lit up a swath of space to star-like brightness just with their running lights alone.

Borg - We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is...oh, we are so f-

BOOM! Camera goes back to the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - Well I didn't see that coming.

Everyone turns to look at him (viewscreen just showed the explosion, btw).

Genocide - I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.

Suddenly the face of Captain Ketrell appears on the screen.

Ketrell - What's the deal with all those ships?

Senseless - Apparently that's just a small, insignificant, bunch of extra workers.

Ketrell - Oh...ok, Solaris out.

Righteous - Ok now, Mr. Genocide, see that sphere out there? Use a glowy white torpedo thing and blow it up please.

Genocide - With pleasure!

The Celestial comes about and tires a tricobalt torpedo at the remaining Borg sphere. It explodes in a ball of contrived green fire and stuff. The camera goes to the space dock, where Admiral Spot is sitting there twitching.

Spot - ...What...Did...I...Tell...You...About...Using...you know what, just, never mind, I don't even have the energy anymore. Never mind that you just gave the Borg information about what it feels like to get hit with a tricobalt torpedo, our most POWERFUL WEAPON!

Righteous - Sheesh, I said I was sorry.

Spot - So I suppose that's about when I came in?

Farfetched - No, something else happened first...

Camera jumps back to the bridge of the Saratoga.

Scratcher - SITUATION REPORT, SIR! ALL BORG SHIPS HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED, SIR! THE CELESTIAL REPORTS THAT THE TARG HAS DISAPPEARED, SIR!

Farfetched - Good, all problems solved.

Scratcher - INCOMING COMMUNICATION, SIR! IT IS BEING BROADCAST THROUGHOUT THE SYSTEM!

Shelby - Onscreen.

An important looking Xyranite appears onscreen.

Important Guy - All ships, begin emergency evacuation protocol. It has been decided that the Borg threat is too great a risk. We will relocate to another galaxy and start again. One ship will remain behind to erase all of our technology from the system.

The channel cuts.

Farfetched - Those jackasses are bugging out on us!

Camera goes back to the spacedock.

Castanea - OK, NOW you came in, ma'am.

Camera goes to watch as the USS Litterbox approaches a star. That's right, just a star. Everything else is already gone, except the pieces of scaffolding used to build the ringworld pieces.

Spot - Chief of Defence Staff's log, stardate 59760.3. A day ago, a long range subspace telescope detected an odd mass around a star previously thought to be vacant of all planets. Closer inspection revealed that the mass was a Dyson sphere of some sort. It wasn't there when we looked at the star ten years ago. The Litterbox was dispatched to make contact with the race that's building this thing. When we were within visual range, they agreed to meet with us. It turns out they're a race of beings known as the Xyranites who evolved tens of millions of years ago in another galaxy. They're what we call a Type II civilization, one that utilizes the power of stars to fuel their society. By comparison, the Federation is only type one, utilizing mainly geothermal energy to produce antimatter for our ships. Being peaceful, they've decided that since we're they're new neighbours, they would be willing to share their advanced technology for constructing mega-structures with us.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Litterbox.

NoName #2 - Admiral...there's no sign of the Xyranites.

Spot - What??

NoName #2 - Admiral, there's no sign of the Xyranites.

Spot - Oh very funny. Now what do you mean?

NoName #2 - There's no Xyranite ships, no stations, no power supplies, and the Dyson sphere is gone as well. I'm detecting several inert masses in orbit, and four ships with Federation signatures coming our way, but nothing else.

Spot - Four ships?

NoName #3 - The Celestial is hailing us, ma'am.

Spot - Onscreen.

Beep! Righteous and Senseless appear on the screen.

Senseless - Uh, ma'am? You might want to turn around and get out of here.

Spot - Not until someone tells me what's going on! We're here to properly make first contact with a technologically advanced civilization! They invited us! Where did they go!?

Senseless (breaking up) - No time, get out of here!

NoName #2 - The Celestial, Saratoga, Citadel, and Solaris have gone to warp, Admiral.

The channel cuts, and the star comes back onscreen. Suddenly, it goes out with a flash.

Spot - What the hell?

NoName #2 - LEVEL 12 SHOCKWAVE! APPROACHING!

The USS Litterbox high tails it out of there as the supernova destroys everything in the system.

Scene 7 - Back on the spacedock.

Senseless - So yeah, that about wraps it up. That's how it happened.

There are murmurs of agreement from the rest of the officers in the room.

Spot - Since your stories were so concise and plausible, except maybe the 47 trillion people part, I'm inclined to believe you.

Nelix - See? Not my fault!

Spot - OK I guess really no one's to blame here, except maybe that damn targ. Speaking of which, I did a little research while you all were blabbering along and I've come to the conclusion that there's a good reason why this particular targ pops up around you guys so often.

Garell - Yeah, I was wondering why we seem to be around almost every time he shows up.

Spot - That targ got a nearly lethal dose of tachyons's from a Klingon cloaking device, a long time ago. He showed up on the USS Enterprise, NX-01 once, then on the USS Enterprise-D once, then on Voyager once or twice, then on the USS Borg Buster a few times, but it all seems to be focussed mainly on the USS Celestial.

Righteous - Whatever it was, I didn't do it.

Spot - No it's not your fault.

Righteous - ...It's not?

Spot - No. It's Starfleet's. Remember that quantum flux warp core you were testing out a while back? The one that could use tritium as well as deuterium as a fuel?

Baque - I remember it blew up.

Spot - Apparently, it did something do your ship that created a temporal link between yourselves and Binky. I suspect something similar happened or will happen to the USS Borg Buster.

Garell - But we didn't get that warp core until the end of the first season, and the targ showed up long before then, and well after it was destroyed.

Spot - Yes but just having it onboard once created the link throughout all of history.

Tener - What?!?

Spot - Sorry, but you're stuck with that targ forever.

Tener - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	5. Celestial 45

Star Trek: Celestial #45 - Broken Lantern

By Swordtail

Started September 8, 2007

Finished September 21, 2007

* * *

Scene 1 - Deep in the void between galaxies, with the Milky Way as a backdrop, a tear forms in the fabric of space. Billions and billions of small pieces of debris fly out and the tear shuts.­ But it's millions of lightyears away so no one cares. Camera zooms into our galaxy and flies over to where the USS Celestial is warping through space. 

Righteous - Captain's Log, stardate 59771.2. Someone decided it would be funny to reset the water fountain in the bathroom on deck 18 to shoot water into the face of whoever uses it. I don't have time to fix it so I just put a sign on the door that says "Warning, water may hit you in the face."

Camera is in the briefing room, where the entire senior staff are present.

Garell (dripping wet) - It might have helped if you had put the sign on the OUTSIDE of the door!

Righteous - Alrighty then, let's get down to business. Today's religious forecast calls for clear skies and good harvests for worshippers of the Prophets, and only a 5 chance of apocalypse. The winds of change are blowing in from the galactic east at 30 km/h with gusts to 100. For weather anytime, log onto the weather network dot com.

Senseless (trying to ignore Righteous) - In Federation news, someone raided the medical centre on New Sydney. Three guesses as to who did it.

Casey's hand shoots into the air.

Senseless - That was a rhetorical question, ensign.

Casey - Is that the kind where like I'm not supposed to answer, or is it like the kind where like the answer is like really obvious. I get those two mixed up like all the time.

Genocide - Can I make the guess that what our grammar-school dropout here was trying to tell us is that it was Chester?

Righteous - Which fluffy kitty was he again?

Puker - He would be the one that has tried to kill us repeatedly.

Righteous - ...So which one is that again?

Tener - The one that actually managed to kill me once.

Righteous - Yeah but you turned out OK. Thank the Prophets.

Tener - I still have nightmares about what they meant by "He could be useful to the game."

Senseless - Whatever. We're on our way to New Sydney to investigate and see if we can capture Chester...again.

* * *

Opening credits...or should I call it "Opening Sequence?" I can never decide...

* * *

Scene 2 - Camera is in a kitchen somewhere. A chef is talking. 

Chef - On today's show, we're going to be making Turbo-Lax Surprise. Ok, start with a big bowl.

He takes a bowl.

Chef - The first ingredient is Metamucial...get regular, stay regular. Grind it all up and dump it in the pot. One bottle serves two.

He takes the bottle and empties it into the bowl, then starts crushing it with a spoon.

Chef - Next, add some mashed apples, mashed bananas, a third of a cup of bran, three tablespoons of flaxseed oil, some molasses, a half cup of honey, some minced licorice, ten teaspoons of psyllium seed husks, crushed of course. Now, add some baked beans, one can should do. And finally, the secret ingredients: Add a generous helping of Ex-lax and mix it all together with some strong Vodka.

The chef stirs it all together and sits it on the stove top.

Chef - Heat for five to fifteen minutes, then serve.

He takes a spoonful.

Chef - Turbolax Surprise: It tastes like shit, it'll make you shit, but it's cheap!

The Chef suddenly has a gas attack.

Chef - Ah oh...

Camera pans around to see that the cooking show is being watched in the Celestial's messhall. Garell, Baque, Tener, and Blavik are sitting around eating while the ship is at warp.

Garell - You know, I've been thinking...actually Casey got me thinking...I guess because she can't do it herself...anyway, next time we're in drydock, getting repaired as usual, we should look into expanding the messhall.

Baque - Why? There's not that many people in here most of the time.

Garell - Yeah, but I was thinking of putting in like a bar or something. The Borg Buster and Solaris have one, but we don't for some reason.

Blavik - It would require moving some crew members around but I believe it may be logical to add an amenity which allows for the crew to get plastered when off duty.

Tener - I am SO not being barkeep.

Garell - Don't worry, we'll get Casey or Bios to do it.

Bllllrb! The ship goes to yellow alert and the intercom activates.

Senseless (comm) - All hands, code blue. All medical staff report to stations.

Blavik - Most untimely. It seems I haven't had enough time to fully consume my plomeek soup.

Garell - For a logical race you people sure doddle a lot.

* * *

Scene 3 - Bridge. Baque, Tener, and Garell run on. Everywhere, no-name blue shirts are running around looking busy. 

Baque - What's going on now?

Genocide - Someone released a plaque into the atmosphere of a nearby colony. Reports are saying half the planet is already infected and it's spreading like wildfire.

Baque - What the hell?

Senseless - We're the closest ship so we've been ordered there to provide viral cures until a proper hospital ship can arrive.

Garell - Sounds to me like Admiral Nelix is just hoping we'll all get infected ourselves so we're not his problem anymore.

Righteous - I don't see what he's so pissed about, what did we ever do to him?

Senseless - Nothing sir, he's just a total asshole.

Baque - So I take it we're not going to New Sydney to recapture Chester?

Senseless - No. This other colony is in far graver danger.

Baque - Is this the kind of colony that's been heard of before, or is it one of those dozens of nameless colonies the Federation has kicking around?

Senseless - It's a nameless colony and it isn't part of the Federation.

Baque - Wow you weren't kidding when you said grave danger...

Bios - We're in sensor range, captain.

Righteous - Let's take a looksee then.

Bios - Scanning...weird...I'm not picking up any advanced lifeforms.

Genocide - Oh that's not good.

Senseless - Check again, there should be 1600 colonists down there.

Bios - Still getting nothing.

Baque - We're entering the system.

Senseless - Put us in orbit. Casey, start transporting the medical teams down.

Casey - Alright! My first transport!

Pause...

Casey - Like, which button is that again?

Senseless - On second thought, help Bios scan for lifeforms. Senseless to Doctor Puker.

Puker (comm) - Go ahead, Herr Commander.

Senseless - First, drop the German accent. Second, you're clear to transport. Good luck.

Puker (comm) - Sofort, Kommandant!

Senseless (sigh) - Blavik, hit him for me.

Blavik (comm) - Aye, sir.

Smack!

Puker (comm) - Autch, mein kopf!

* * *

Scene 4 - Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Blavik and a bunch of blueshirts materialize in the middle of a big open concrete paved area. No one is around, but there are blood stains and some small fires here and there. 

Puker - Well...maybe they all exploded.

Blavik (using tricorder) - I doubt it sir. I'm detecting phaser signatures.

NoName #1 - By the looks of things they were through quite a battle.

Puker - So where is everyone?

NoName #1 - Maybe they're sleeping!

Blavik - In the middle of the day?

NoName #1 - Well, maybe they have siestas here. A brilliant idea by the way, one which the Federation should have adopted.

NoName #2 - Yeah well World War III took care of that, didn't it?

NoName #1 - Yeah but Mexico was mostly untouched by the war. All they got was the nuclear fallout from Texas.

Puker (using tricorder) - Quiet down, guys. I'm picking up a lifeform...

Blavik - What kind of lifeform?

Puker - I don't know. Whatever it is, it's genetic structure is in such a state of flux that the tricorder can't even be sure it's carbon based. Whatever it is, it's massive. Over 200 kilograms. Wait...now it's only 100 kilograms...now it's 200...150...75? ...200 again?

Blavik - That doesn't sound good.

Puker - No siree. Away team to Celestial.

Senseless (comm) - Go ahead. Found anyone?

Puker - Not sure. Could you send down a security team, please?

Pause...

Senseless (comm) - I knew there was going to be a catch.

* * *

Scene 5 - Transporter Room 1 (the big one). Tener and a bunch of yellow-shirts are standing on the pad while someone operates the controls. 

Tener - Ready?

NoName #3 (transporter operator) - Almost. Hang on.

Meanwhile, on the planet, hiding behind some big rock, a weird looking guy who looks like a hobo is messing with something that looks like a tricorder. He presses a few buttons. Camera goes back to the ship.

Tener - Alright, energize.

As the security team dematerializes, the camera watches as the guy on the planet hits some more buttons and starts to dematerialize as well. Back in the transporter room, the consoles spark and NoName #3 steps back from the controls. Somehow, the guy on the planet has hacked into the transport and beamed himself to the ship just as Tener and the security team has beamed away (if it's good enough for The Original Series...). NoName #3 looks up and sees that the guy is standing on the transporter pad.

NoName #3 - Oh crap!

He raises his phaser but the intruder lunges and in one leap has covered the entire distance from the pad to the console. He grabs the phaser and fires it point blank against NoName #3's head, killing him even though it was on stun. Camera goes to the bridge.

Casey - Hey, there's like, phaser fire in transporter room 1.

Senseless - What?

Genocide - We've got an intruder!

The ship goes to red alert.

Righteous - Not on my ship we don't! Security report to deck...um...which deck is Transporter Room 1 on?

Senseless - Um...let's say deck 5 for now. We can change it later if we need to.

Righteous - OK, security to deck 5!

Camera goes to watch as a bunch of steroid-pumped body builder men and women who look like they came straight out of Unreal Tournament 2004 walk down the hallway touting compression phaser rifles. The camera stops and watches them as they round a corner and go out of sight. Seconds later, screams and phaser blasts can be heard. Blood and body parts go flying against the wall and a few seconds later all the commotion stops and the intruder guy walks calmly out of the corridor and down another one. He walks into a control room of some kind and starts messing with the consoles. Back on the bridge...

Senseless - Security team? Hello? Come in security team?

Genocide - I don't think they're there anymore.

Bios - Should I get Lieutenant Tener back up here?

Senseless - Yeah, recall all our away teams.

Suddenly, the lights start flickering and the power drops.

Garell - We're losing main power! The warp core is going offline!

Sure enough, everything goes dark. Everything.

Garell - Um...

Senseless - Let me guess...you can't fix it from here, can you?

Garell - No. I'll have to manually restart the warp core. Our "guest" decided to redirect the positron flow from the antimatter injectors into the impulse reactors. They're probably fused. I can replace them, but I'll need warp power to bring online the industrial replicators.

Senseless - Bios, go with her. Casey, Genocide, get down to the shuttlebay and use the transporters on the shuttle to beam our teams back.

Baque - Um, sir?

Senseless - What?

Baque - You know how you told me to put us in geosynchronous orbit above the colony?

Senseless - Yes..?

Baque - Well, on this planet, which rotates faster than most do, geosynchronous orbit is slightly within the upper reaches of the atmosphere. I mean, I had the computer set up to compensate with anti-gravity thrusters for the atmospheric friction, but they're offline now, so...

Righteous - Oh here's where you tell me something bad's going to happen.

Senseless - How long do we have until we lose orbit?

Baque - We won't make it back to this spot again. I estimate, about...45 minutes?

Genocide - What kind of planet has a 45 minute day!?!?

Bios - One that was struck by an asteroid the size of Titan billions of years ago, which sped it up.

Genocide - You just have to have a plausible excuse for everything, don't you?

Senseless - Move it, people! Captain, come with me. We're going to go have a nice diplomatic chat with our new friend.

Righteous - Correct me if I'm wrong but he or she doesn't seem like the talking type.

Senseless - Well, that's ok. I have a back-up plan. Genocide, is that hunter probe still in your quarters?

Genocide - I-what-how-damn it! How did you find out about that!?!

Senseless - Just a guess. I'm gonna need one.

Genocide - Fine, there's a box of them behind the sofa, underneath the Hoodini mines.

* * *

Scene 6 - On the planet, Puker, Blavik, Tener, and the various idiot no-names are trying in vain to contact the ship. 

Tener - Away team to Celestial! Away team to Commander Senseless! Away team to Six Flags! God damn it why won't anyone answer?

Puker - And where did that lifeform go.

Pause...

Puker - And why do I get the feeling those two questions are related?

Blavik - Are we then under the assumption that this lifeform killed everyone in the colony and now intends to do the same with the crew of the Celestial?

Tener - You know, Starfleet training and all the Federation school stuff says we should never assume a new lifeform is dangerous before we get to know it, but common sense and a million years of evolution says "you bet your fing ass it's dangerous!"

Puker - Let's look around, shall we? This colony is sure to have subspace sensors somewhere.

Tener - Yeah and maybe a replimat, I'm starving!

NoName #1 (a short distance away) - HEY GUYS! OVER HERE!

They run over and look at what he's pointing to.

Tener - Holy-

* * *

Scene 7 - Main Engineering. 

Garell - Shit!

Bios - What's wrong?

Camera is in main engineering. The lights are all off, but a few consoles are back online.

Garell - Whoever did this sure made a mess of things. It'll take a week to clean everything up. Engines are ka-put.

Bios - So we're screwed then?

Garell - Yep. We aren't getting back into orbit on our own.

Bios - Is this one of those times where we survive crash landing, or one of those times where we don't.

Garell - Um...this would be the time we don't. Our relative speed with the surface is pretty much zero. We'll be dropping like a rock. We're not moving fast enough to generate any lift like we did last time.

Bios - So, this is one of the weeks where we don't magically come up with a way to survive being pulverized by the ground.

Garell - Right, like how Voyager evaluated it's policy of beaming through shields on a similar weekly basis.

Pause...

Garell - Wait, did that actually ever happen? I can't remember a single instance!

Bios - Um...is that a plasma flow I see there?

Garell - Alright! The sonic showers are online! At least we can look pretty before we die!

* * *

Scene 8 - On deck 5, Senseless and Righteous are walking down a corridor, Senseless with a tricorder. 

Senseless - Just up ahead.

Sure enough as they round the corner they find that all the doors have been torn open and the quarters have been ransacked. Senseless cautiously keeps one eye on the tricorder and another on the corridor. Righteous, being much dumber, just looks around. He sees something through one of the torn open doors that makes him do a double take.

Righteous - Hey look, a full moon!

Senseless - Yeah, we're probably passing between the planet and it's largest moon right now.

They round the corner and see that generic looking guy just standing there looking through another door out another window at the same moon.

Senseless - Ha! Got it!

He hits a few buttons on his tricorder and then folds it up.

Senseless - Stay where you are. I've just locked onto you with a hunter probe. In less than a minute it will slam into you and detonate, unless I deactivate it. Now, explain why you're here and who you are? Not necessarily in that order.

Guy - You're too late. The storm is brewing...

Righteous - That doesn't make any sense! The Prophets said no storms brewing for years! You're making that up.

Suddenly, as the Celestial passes directly between the planet and it's moon, the guy morphs into a two metre long metallic dragon like thing, complete with a spiky tail, razor sharp claws, and several rows of needle sharp teeth. Righteous and Senseless just stand there staring at it.

Senseless - Why can't anything be easy?

The creature lunges at them but they manage to dodge and start to run away. The metal dragon thing clamps onto the walls and whips around the corner to follow them. As the two officers run forward, they see a small object whizzing toward them.

Senseless - Woah!

They manage to dodge aside and avoid being impaled by the speeding hunter drone, which continues on it's way until it slams into the side of metal creature and explodes violently, blowing a hold in the ship so large that several decks are visible through it. Righteous and Senseless pick themselves up and dust the debris off themselves.

Creature (from somewhere) - Roar!

Righteous - Did we get it?

Senseless - No, I think we just pissed it off. But we bought ourselves some time. Come on!

* * *

Scene 9 - On the planet, Puker, Blavik, Tener, and the various blue and yellow shirts have stumbled upon a Federation laboratory. You can tell it's a Federation lab because everything is standardised and cheap. 

Tener - What is a Federation science lab doing on a non-Federation world?

Puker - Who knows.

Blavik - It appears they were working on harnessing gravity energy.

Tener - What's that?

Blavik - It's a theoretical energy source derived from changes in local gravitational pull. In theory, you could power an entire planet for millions of years just from the pull of its moons.

Tener - Doesn't sound too sinister. Why would it be hidden away on a world outside of Federation space? I can name off the top of my head at least five worlds with greater moon-planet gravity conditions, Earth included.

Blavik - Perhaps it has something to do with the unusually high rotational speed of this planet.

Puker - Or...perhaps it has something to do with the fact it would be illegal on most worlds.

Tener - What?

Puker - They couldn't get a computer to run the necessary calculations needed to harness the energy, so they started using DNA sequences to preform the math.

Tener - How is that illegal? We do it all the time with the bio-neural gel packs.

Puker - Take a look at this.

Tener goes over and reads a console.

Tener - They genetically engineered a human being to act as a organic battery?

Puker - Yep. Brilliant, in a way. The person could live on this world and as the hours went by their genetic structure would alter at the right times to soak up the energy in the changing gravity. Once a day they'd just plug in and discharge the chemical energy into a reactor which would turn it into electricity.

Tener - Eww...

Puker - And by plug in and discharge, I mean have various organs forcibly drained of their fluids. Probably quite painful.

Blavik - I think I found out what went wrong. The energy was collected by the subject, but before it could be removed his genetic structure mutated and used the energy to fuse elements and alter his DNA pattern. The change would have been nearly instantaneous with that much cellular energy to draw upon.

Puker reads further.

Puker - My god, he became an metallic-based lifeform! His body somehow constructed a rudimentary replicator which allowed a direct conversion from energy to matter! I think we've found out where everyone went!

Tener - They were eaten?

Puker - Yes. In the creature-form, the person's metabolism would be in overdrive. There wouldn't be enough energy being collected from the gravity-harvesters in his cells, so he'd have to consume massive quantities of protein, and the only place to get that from would be carbon-based lifeforms.

Tener - That's kinda disgusting. He turned into a cannibal?

Blavik - Technically he is no longer a carbon-based lifeform, so the term is inaccurate.

Tener - I can't believe the Federation would sanction experiments like this! Where did the researchers come from?

Puker - Don't know, but there is a shuttlecraft missing from this facility. There's a launchbay in the back which has been used recently. Looks like they got away.

Tener - ...And just left this thing to feed on the colonists...that's sick. I'm having a hard time buying that Federation citizens would do this. Is there any chance all this stuff was stolen?

Blavik - Perhaps you're forgetting about the Son'a incident and Section 31.

Tener - Section 31's been all but wiped out...we think. These guys must be something new.

Suddenly, they hear something from outside. Everyone runs outside and sees an ARGO type shuttlecraft hovering above the square. It lands and the back door opens. Genocide and Casey walk out.

Genocide - Sorry we're late, but Casey here didn't quite understand the concepts related to the pre-flight checklist.

Tener - Do I want to know?

Genocide - Instead of actually turning things on or checking them, she just said check.

Casey - That's like, all they did in the movies!

Genocide - Long story short, we managed to retract the landing gear without turning on the anti-gravity thrusters. Can you believe they didn't make the floor strong enough to handle a several hundred tonne ship falling on it?

Puker - Very little surprises me about that ship anymore. What's the situation up there? Why didn't you beam us up?

Genocide - There's an intruder onboard. Whoever it was shut down main power and fused the impulse reactors. We're dead in the water and losing orbit fast.

Puker - Ah oh...everyone get in!

Genocide - Know something we don't?

Puker - I'll tell you on the way. Let's go.

So, a short time later, the shuttle is still plodding toward the doomed Celestial. Onboard...

Genocide - That's a crazy theory. I'm calling Admiral Nelix.

He hits some buttons. Camera jumps to Jupiter Station, in Admiral Nelix's office. The high-ranking cat is sleeping on his table while some yellow-shirts fill out reports. All of a sudden his computer starts beeping.

Nelix - God damn it...

NoName #4 - Are you going to get that, sir?

Nelix - No, it's just the Celestial calling again. I don't have the energy to deal with whatever mess they've made now. I'll let the machine answer it.

Sure enough, after about four "beep, beep, beep's" an answering machine kicks in.

Nelix (voice on machine) - You've reached Admiral Nelix, head of the Ninth Fleet. Leave a message after the tone!

Tone!

Genocide (machine) - Uh, hi, Admiral? I was wondering if you could clear something up for us: Is the Federation running any top-secret and highly illegal experiments on that colony near New Sydney? Cause apparently this were-lizard like thing is running amok on the ship now and might be using the planet's moon as an energy source thus making it nearly impossible to kill. So, um, if you could get back to us before we all die, that would be appreciated. Thanks, sir. Bye.

Beep! Pause...

Nelix - ...Don't have the energy.

He goes back to sleep.

* * *

Scene 10 - Righteous and Senseless are in Main Engineering talking with Garell and Bios about that corny lizard thing with a metal exo-skeleton. 

Senseless - ...So that's pretty much the whole story. It turned into a metal lizard, and survived a direct hit from a hunter probe.

Garell - Why do we always get the hard-to-kill creatures? First the zombies, then Chester, and now this.

Senseless - The captain and I are going to go manually reroute the plasma flow from the warp core into the thrusters. I assume you two can get the core back online?

Garell - Commander, with all due respect, that's the dumbest fing idea I've ever heard. Do you know how hot warp plasma gets? Plus, the thrusters actually use thrust to move the ship! You'd vent all our warp plasma!

Righteous - And that's a bad thing because..?

Garell - Without warp plasma we can't go to warp.

Senseless - Don't worry, I have an idea. We're going to use a little bit of primitive technology to make this work. Trust me.

Garell - Whatever. Just dont blow up the ship, please. Were a little further from Federation reinforcements than usual.

Senseless and Righteous leave Main Engineering.

Garell - Alright everyone! You heard the Commander! You there, go check the deuterium injectors and replace them if need be. You, do the same with the antimatter injectors. You, check the coolant tanks and make sure the flow isn't obstructed. You, and you, go get some new dylithium crystals and install them in the magnetic resonance chamber on deck 19.

She realizes a few seconds later that her and Bios are now the only ones left in the room.

Garell - Crap...hey what's Baque up to? Why isn't he down here helping us?

Camera jumps to the bridge, where Lieutenant Baque and the creature are playing 3D-chess.

Long Pause...

Creature - Look, if you're not gonna make a move, I'm out of here.

Baque - Quiet, I'm thinking.

Creature - Whatever. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go eat your comrades. I'll be back later. Don't, change the board!

* * *

Scene 11 - Back in Engineering, Garell and Bios are poking things with sharp glowing objects when they suddenly hear a noise. 

Bios - What was that?

Garell - Whatever it was, it's close!

They hear the noise again, like metal scraping against metal, but louder.

Garell - Oh crapppp...

BAM! The door is knocked inward by the impact of something large.

Garell - Let's get out of here!

They run around for a while and eventually run into a large storage room. Bios fidgets with the controls and locks the blast door.

Bios - There, that should slow it down.

Garell - Yes, but you realize you've locked us in here.

Smash! The door vibrates and bulges in slightly.

Garell - That isn't going to hold forever. What do we have in here that could be used as a weapon?

They look around.

Bios - Um...we've got some power cords, some gravity plating, some portable power cells...nothing of any use.

Garell looks at her like she just said the dumbest thing ever.

Garell - Are you retarded?

Bios - No, but I didn't get enough sleep last night.

Garell walks over and starts to pull a gravity plate toward the middle of the room.

Garell - Give me a hand with this, I have an idea. I saw it in one of Enterprise's less-crappy episodes.

* * *

Scene 12 - ARGO shuttle. 

Genocide - Still no answer at Fleet Admiral Spot's office.

Tener - You don't think maybe they're deliberately ignoring us?

Genocide - I think that's exactly what they're doing.

Casey - Ooh look there's the ship!

Out the front window they can see the USS Celestial, lit only by the atmospheric friction on its belly.

Puker - Doesn't look like they have much time.

Genocide - No...park us above them. Casey, lock a tractor beam on them and see if we can buy them some time.

Casey - Which button does that again?

Blavik - It would be the one labelled tractor beam.

Casey - Oh yeah...OK now its asking me to select a target...

Genocide - Click "USS CELESTIAL."

Casey - Uh huh...now what? It wants beam torsion, length, and angle...

Genocide - ...Casey, were you dropped on your head at birth?

Casey - No, but wouldn't that be like really cool? You could like sue your parents!

After a lot of hand holding, Casey manages to get the tractor beam working and the Celestial is bought some orbit time...but not much.

* * *

Scene 13 - Somewhere near the bottom of the ship, Righteous walks down a corridor pulling a long garden hose behind him, holding the end in a kink. He pulls it into a room where Senseless is working on a plasma junction. 

Righteous - Is this what you wanted?

Senseless does a double take when he sees the hose.

Senseless - When I said re-route the water flow, I meant by shunting all the water into the pipes that lead to this room!

Righteous - Oh...well my way was easier.

Senseless - How is connecting together three hundred metres of water hose EASIER!?!

Righteous - The great thing about being captain is I don't have to explain my reasoning to anyone beneath me. Why do you need all the water on the ship in this room anyway? Are we making a swimming pool!?!

Senseless - No we're-

Righteous - Ooh we can play water polo! I hear you humans love to play water polo.

Senseless - Sir, if you ever mention that sport again, I'll tell Admiral Spot you went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered the deep-fried cat meat.

Righteous - Sheesh. Fine. Where do you want the water then?

Senseless grabs the hose from him and connects it to the plasma junction.

Senseless - It's a good thing Starfleet makes everything standardized.

Righteous - Yes...very convenient...

Senseless - OK, now we just have to wait and hope Garell got the warp core online.

Meanwhile, Garell and Bios are rigging up some sort of contraption in the storage room. Just to the left of the door is the gravity plate, with the "This Side Up" side facing across door threshold to the other side of the room. Wires and cables run into it from a multitude of portable power cells. Behind the power cells, Garell stands holding two wires apart. Bios is standing just past the plate, facing the door.

Bios - You wanna explain this to me again? How does me standing right in the line of attack of this thing help us?

Garell - You're bait. I'm betting it will attack you before it looks around. When it crosses through the door, I'll connect these two wires. The power will activate the gravity plate with enough energy to give it a pull of 200 G's. I'd prefer more, but I'm not sure the opposite wall can sustain that much force.

Bios - I thought the range of the gravity produced by those things was very limited?!

Garell - You wanna risk having the next room come crashing in on us?

Bios - No, but I'd also not have a 200 kilogram metal reptile rip me to pieces either.

Garell - Trust me, you'll be fine. Just don't get in the way of the grav-plate. Ready?

Bios - No.

Garell - Here goes!

She presses a button on the wall and the door opens. She quickly presses the wires together and the opposite wall start to buckle a little...but the creature is nowhere in sight.

Bios - Uh...

Garell - Damn it! I worked too damn hard on this for it to not work!

She disconnects the wires and the gravity shuts off.

Garell - Go find it!

Bios - Oh like hell I will! YOU go find it!

Garell - I have to operate the wires cause you'd probably break something. Just go find it and lure it back here!

Bios - I hate you ma'am.

Bios cautiously walks out of the room.

Garell - Heh, heh, heh...I live for this kind of thing...

Camera follows Bios as she walks down the corridor. She rounds a corner muttering to herself and spies the creature eating a no-name. Both stop dead in their actions.

Bios - Uh...

Camera goes back to where Garell is getting impatient. Suddenly, Bios runs into the room like a bat out of hell.

Bios - TURN THE DAMN THING ON!!!

No sooner had she said it, the creature bounded into sight and went through the door. Luckily Garell had acted as soon as Bios entered the room. With a yelp, the creature flies left as soon as it enters the room, ripping the door frame and adjoining bulkhead to pieces as its tail follows the rest of it's body in a sudden force of 392 kilo-Newtons. The creature slams into the gravity plate, sending it flying back against the wall so hard it keeps going and smashes through about three bulkheads before finally stopping. Garell and Bios look through the hole and see the creature lying on the floor, it's head and upper-torso flattened to the thickness of paper. Sparks fly from the broken gravity plate.

Garell, Bios - ...DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNNN!!!!!!

* * *

Scene 14 - On the bridge, Baque is sleeping when suddenly the ship shakes and he falls out of his chair. He scrambles back into his seat and watches as the bridge comes alive again. He checks his console. 

Baque - Alright! Thrust!

Camera goes to where Senseless and Righteous are. As the warp core comes online, super-hot warp plasma flows into the junction. Coming from 300 metres of hose away, the ship's water supply flows into the same junction and is vaporised. The steam is shot into the thruster assembly and blown out the bottom of the ship, providing thrust. Out in space, everyone on the shuttle is caught by surprise when suddenly the ship's lights come back on and it starts moving upward.

Genocide - Oh son of a-

BAM! The shuttle is struck by the Celestial and everyone is thrown around.

* * *

Scene 15 - Camera is watching as the Celestial flies away from the planet. 

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain's log, supplemental. We were in quite a bind there for a while. Thankfully the Prophets were smiling down on us the whole time. We've killed the metal-thingy that used to be a person, and then blew up the research facility. I don't remember quite why we did that, but someone suggested it and before we took a vote, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide had launched every torpedo we had in the torpedo tubes at the time.

Camera goes to the bridge. Everyone is present.

Baque - We've cleared the planet's gravity well.

Righteous - Good. Take us to Starbase 546.

Baque - You just made that number up, didn't you?

Righteous - Yes, I did. Now take us there!

Baque - Well if you're going to make up numbers so will I.

He blindly presses a bunch of numbers into the helm console and hits the "warp" button. The ship turns in a random direction and jumps to warp.

Puker - So how did you guys get the ship back into orbit?

Senseless - Oh, we just used liquid water and boiled it into steam and blew it out the bottom of the ship.

Puker - Why would we have liquid water onboard?

Senseless - All ships do. It has many uses, not just for drinking. Too energy intensive to replicate it whenever you turn on a tap.

Puker - Did you use it all?

Senseless - I think so, we left the valves open till nothign more came out.

Puker - Then how come when I turned on the tap in my quarters just a few minutes ago water came out?

Senseless - Uh...um...

He looks at Garell.

Garell - Don't look at me, you let the Captain hook up the hose.

Baque - You let the Captain hook up the hose?!?

Righteous - Yep, I hooked I up.

Senseless - Um...are you sure you hooked it to the water tanks?

Righteous - Yes, I'm sure. I hooked up to the big tank that said "Liquid" on it. And everyone knows water is a liquid.

Garell - Um...the only tank on the ship that says "Liquid" on it would be the one that says "Liquid Deuterium Storage."

They all come to the sudden realization just seconds before the ship runs out of gas and comes to a stop.

Pause...

Righteous - Oops...

Senseless - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

* * *

_Due to laziness on my part, and a severe amount of "meh" from any (if any) readers of this series, I've decided I will no longer be updating this series here on FanFiction. There are two other sites (that I know of) that host these episodes, and they're both more up-to-date. If you're interested enough to have read all three seasons thus far, I'd recommend you search Google for "Celestial Parodies" and go to one of the two sites that comes up. As of January 2nd, 2007, the series is up to episode 51. Plus, if you go to the second site Google lists, you'll be able to read the short series based on the USS Borg Buster which gets referenced numerous times in these episodes._


End file.
